Tears don't work and drunk people annoy me!

With two concerts this week, Jimmy Buffet and Dave Matthews, my summer "family" reconvened and I now have more stupid people to blog about. Now, I understand that I do enjoy both of these artists very much, but their fans, on the other hand, umm.... not so much! Now are you picking up what I'm puttin' down?

I know what it is like to be a "fan". I am a HUGE fan of lots of things. I SLEPT OUTSIDE TWICE for tickets to 'NSYNC back in the day (shut up, all snickers will cease). Plus, I won tickets off the radio to see them (two times FRONT ROW, thanks once, to Walton!!!). In one year, I saw Cowboy Mouth 13 times, even taking an unexpected road trip from Jackson to Baton Rouge in the middle of the night, and then on to New Orleans for another show the next day! So I understand what it means to be a "fan"! But stupidity and shear ignorance, does not make up for me not having tickets to a sold out show! SOLD OUT means SOLD OUT! So here are a few tips for all you "fans" out there who might need a little lesson:

1. SOLD OUT mean SOLD OUT: I do not have any more tickets to sell you! 18,000 people are at this show and, as much as I would like to shit out a ticket for you, I do not have ANY MORE tickets to sell. No, not even one! Not even a lawn ticket for gobs of money! Not even for "The Greatest Fan of All Time"! No, not even one for your son/daughter who you "forgot" to buy a ticket for! I don't have ANY MORE tickets to sell!!! THE SHOW IS SOLD OUT!!! That's why there are signs up everywhere that says, "Tonight's show is SOLD OUT!" because guess what? Wait for it....... the show is sold out!!!

***Ok, now some of you may think that I am being a little harsh with these "tips", but please, unless you work these concerts and hear some of the biggest excuses (lies) that people come up with; or you are cussed out because the "customer" is stupid and is now blaming you..... you can't call me anything, until you have walked in my shoes.***

2.You're going to a concert. Make sure you have your damn tickets!!!: So you are going to a concert. You are driving x hours (insert hours of time here) from where ever you came from (insert other state here: VA, SC, TN, Hawaii; whatever).
Keys? Check! Beer money? Check! Tickets and ID? THESE TWO THINGS NEED TO BE A CHECK!!! I am sorry that you left your tickets on the kitchen table in Pigeon Forge, TN. I am sorry that your ID is in the car. Yes! You have to go ALL THE WAY BACK to the parking lot to get it! And I am sorry that you are an irresponsible "fan", but you know you can't get into a show without YOUR TICKETS AND YOUR ID!!!! So please, make sure you have these two necessities.

3. (In the same context as #2) Certain items are considered a valid picture ID and "your friend" on the cell phone DOESN'T COUNT!: When a police officer pulls you over to ask for your license and registration, do you say, "I don't have my license, but let me call my friend who knows that I am a safe driver and she can tell you that I am me." ????!??!?!?!?!?!?! This won't jive, people. So don't do it at a concert! I get that your friend bought tickets, can't go and now wants you to now have them. She/he is a really great friend. But your friend needs to take care of business and put the tickets in your name so you can pick them up without any problems. I don't need to talk to your friend, your mom, the guy you slept with last night who swore he was "with the band", or (in the words of James) the President of the United States! Without a picture ID, I don't know who in the hell you are!

4. Don't blame me for your stupidity and/or ignorance! Now, I know what you are thinking. Stupidity and Ignorance are the same thing. No, they are not! In the words of Father Tony from Our Lady Star of the Sea church, in New Orleans, LA,

"Ignorance is when you don't know something.

Stupidity is knowing something is wrong, but doing it anyway.

Don't Be Stupid!"

You KNOW you shouldn't have bought your tickets from the guy down the street selling Lawn tickets for $300 a pop. You KNOW shouldn't have bought tickets from "some guy" off the Internet that you don't know, but had tickets that you bought in auction. You KNOW that if you depend on someone you work with, who knows someone whose sister's baby daddy's cousin's stepdad momma's knows the drummer and left you tickets and backstage passes, that you MAY NOT have tickets waiting for you at Will Call ; so don't drive 15 hours to see you favorite band. DON'T BE STUPID! If it is too good to be true, then it probably is. And you? You just got scammed!

5.If you are this artist's "biggest fan", then you would have bought your tickets the day they went on sale, like everybody else!: Again, I know what it's like to be a "fan", (see introduction). So I made sure that I had my "real" tickets, that I purchased through the venue, months in advance, in my hand, ready to go in to see the show on the day of the concert. Do not expect to walk up on the day of the show, that is predicted to be sold out, and expect to get a ticket! You don't have that kind of luck! Yes, artists do release tickets at the last minute. Yes, you could probably get some from a scalper (see tip #4) when you get there. Yes, we could possibly have a few tickets left when you show up, but don't count on it. Especially, if it is a HUGE artist, (ie Dave Matthews, Jonas Brothers, Madonna), we WILL sell out, so get your tickets in advance! You are their "biggest fan", you should know that there are 17,999 people just like you, and guess what? They bought tickets in ADVANCE! Which means, they are getting in, you.... not so much!

6.Tears don't work and drunk people annoy me! I am an educator and an actress. I have heard it all, seen it all and done it all, and a lot better than you! Turn off the waterworks, cause it's not going to work!

***Again, I am not trying to be harsh, I do have a heart and compassion. But when you are 18 years old, and are completely intoxicated and you just caught your boyfriend cheating on you with your best friend. And he has your ticket, with her in the venue and you can't get inside. Really? How do you expect me to help you? I have a heart, but seriously?***

The lesson here is, I know you are sad! I wanna see Kenny Chesney too, but I can't let everyone, who has a story or cries to me, into the venue. I'm sorry. Life is unfair sometimes. I teach 10 yr olds, who enjoy cussing me out every day, and I get paid crap. Is that fair? No! So please, hold the tears, for when something REALLY serious happens.

Also, if you are SO drunk that you come to MY window, to "check in" and to see the concert, and you miss that big line of people 5 yards away, who are being searched by security to enter. If you THAT drunk, and you can't stand up and need to lean on your friends to balance while they continue to hold your beer. If you are THAT drunk and you come to my window, don't speak to me. I'm not a bitch for looking at you stupid. You are stupid! And don't leave your beer on my ledge as you stumble to the direction of my finger where you are suppose to enter the concert! (I swear, this happened last night. I couldn't make this shit up, even if I tried!)

7. ***Possibly THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP*** Don't make Abby mad!: Officer Banner does not take kindly to having to go outside, so if she has to walk outside in the humidity and has to mess up her hair because you are acting a fool, someone's going to jail! Just don't make Abby mad! I've seen her at about a 3 to a 5, and it ain't a pretty sight. Lord knows what she's like at a 10, especially if she didn't have Vault! So don't make Abby mad! Don't beat on the window to get my attention. Don't cuss me out and yell at me so loud that there are now 7 people (including Officer Banner) behind me trying to see what your problem is. Don't stumble drunkardly up to my window if you are under 21, and make demands upon me like you are grown. And whatever you do, NEVER, EVER backtalk a police officer and take a step forward when they told you to leave. NEVER put your finger in the officer's face. And NEVER tell the police officer that they had better "get your purple LL Bean jacket out of guest services." Because if you do, you will upset my good friend, and if it is serious enough for her to walk outside, YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!!! So please, for the love of all that is holy, Don't make Abby mad!!!

I hope these tips are helpful. I hope you learned a lot. And if you follow these simple rules, I am sure that we will ALL have a wonderful experience! See you at the show!

Real Housewives

I am addicted to Real Housewives of NYC!

I liked Orange County. I enjoyed Atlanta. I am intrigued by New Jersey.

But New York is my absolute favorite, and within this series, my favorite "housewife" BY FAR is Bethenny Frankel.

Again, I like Alex. I enjoy Jill and I am intrigued by the Countess (Ramona is fun to have around, and Kelly can kiss it!), but Bethenny makes the show!!

She is beautiful, witty and hilarity in a basket. Bethenny is my new favorite role model.

Bethenny has a great sense of style. She is sharp, witty and her "tell it like it is" attitude, reminds me of myself. (Dis-countess! I love it) I also love the fact that she is 38 and not married. And I don't think she has ever been married, which gives me hope. If a wonderful woman like this can't get married, maybe I just need to take a back seat until she's ready. Because, really, fair is fair!

Don't Be Stupid

My brother and sister in law went yesterday to the Youth Rally for our church diocese. They came back with a bracelet that says, "Don't Be Stupid!" and great jokes and stories from a cutting edge priest in New Orleans.

His name is Rev. R. Tony Ricard. Father Tony has great lines and ways to tell the word of Christ to teens. He is all over YouTube. He's really great and is definitely worth checking out. One of Father Tony's sayings is "Don't Be Stupid". Father Tony says:

"Ignorance is when you don't know something. Stupidity is when you know it's wrong but you still do it! Don't Be Stupid!"

I love it! Fr. Tony and "his momma" definitely hits the nail on the when he says "Remember who you belong to, and Don't Be Stupid!" This is going to be my new mantra. Especially at school, with my class, stupidity blossoms using this scenario. My students are VERY intelligent, but sometimes, their utter stupidity annoys me. I can't help them, if they don't want to help themselves.

"Don't Be Stupid!" says Fr. Tony and Ms. Guidry says, "Listen to your priest!"

SPRING BREAK!!!!!!

BREAK! BREAK! BREAK!!!

That is exactly what I need right now!!! I can not tell you how imperative it is for me, and my colleagues, to take a break from school for A WHOLE WEEK!!!! Seriously, if I didn't take time to get away, I would have probably hurt someone, and wouldn't care if they were 10 or 100! I was about ready to go postal!

I love being home! Isn't it always comforting when you can "come home again"? There is something serene and satisfying about being in the house you grew up in. For example, I drink coffee every morning, but it is so different to get up in the morning, (after sleeping in my cozy bed) and walk into the kitchen (at my "momma's house") and grab a cup of coffee with my dad! It is so heart warming! I love that feeling.

My brother and my sister in law came over for Sunday dinner today, which was wonderful. I haven't seen my big, little brother since Christmas and every time we get together, it's hilarity in a basket. We also cut up at the dinner table, which annoys my dad (because when he is trying to eat, he doesn't want "foolishness") and bothers my mom. Megan, my sister in law, just sits there with a confused look on her face. She sometimes doesn't get the inside jokes that we do. But though Momma says she wants us to stop, secretly, I think she loves hearing the laughter. I can tell she misses us a lot.

Today, Walton and I reenacted our favorite SNL skit where the family sits around the dinner table and their forks and knives keep clinking to the plates. Then they start conversations which always end in an argument. Walton and I LOVE doing this when we get together. When there is a lull of conversation and everyone is unconsciously clinking things together, Walton and I will immediately look at each other and begin to laugh hysterically. I couldn't stop giggling today, and Mom had to tell me to leave the table until I "got it together".

Walton also told jokes and we laughed and ate and laughed and ate. It was awesome! I love being home and the well needed break is going great!

My favorite one liners of all time....

Here is a sampling of one liners said by many different friends at many different points in my life. For some of you, you will have no idea what these lines mean. For others, I hope you laugh hysterically at the mere mention of these fond memories:

LSMSA -

Elise: "Maybe Julie Malta can buy us alcohol?"-at LSMSA, when we were trying to sneak alcohol into the dorm for my 18th birthday (sorry, Mom)
Me: "Elise honey, Julie Malta is the dorm director, and she is the person we are trying to NOT have find out about our little shindig, cause if she did, we would be kicked out of school!"
Elise: "Oh, right!"

Amy Sherill: " I hate your F***ing roommate!" - To Henna about me, in the beginning of my Junior year. (To be fair, I was really homesick, and Amy ultimately became on of my very best friends)

Me: "How many Baldwin brothers are they?"- at LSMSA
Other girls of Suite L: "4" "Yeah there are four I think"
Me: "Ok then name them."
Everyone: "Alec, Billy, Stephen and ....??????"
Me: "Yeah, who's the other one?"
Everyone thinking really hard, "Alec, William, Stephen???? .... Stephen, Alec, William??? OK, There's Alec Baldwin, Stephen Baldwin, William Baldwin, and... and..... and"
Tana: "TANA BALDWIN!!!" (that was really her last name)
Me: "Uh... no!" (PS It is Daniel Baldwin, for the readers who are wondering)

Russell, pretending to be Dr. Peter's secretary, to Brady, who is playing himself: "Dr. Peter's will see you all in just a minute. Looks like your little trip will get you kicked out of school, right before graduation."
Brady: "What?? Wait Linda, Linda listen!"
Russell: "YOU WILL NOT CALL ME LINDA!!! YOU WILL CALL ME, MRS. BYNOG!!!"

Myrna, (LSMSA) addressing the Senior Rep cast after a "horrendous" (her words, dramatic much there, Myra?), shortly after find out I was in the hospital and would not be at our performances for college recruiting day, "When I heard it was Reny (she called me "Reny", like Ren and Stimpy) I thought to myself, WHY RENY?!!??!!?! WHY NOT..... and if the name fits- WEAR IT!"

Myrna, (LSMSA) during the last acting class before finals and graduation, "My little lambs, my little lambs, you will all be going away. Going away from me, and this building, this building which holds so many, many memories. It holds so many things for me. It holds my blood, sweat, tears and .... pee pee! (Myrna had a habit of drinking heavily during rehearsals, and being so enthralled in the performance and not wanting to miss a beat, was known to just pee, right there in her seat. These are the stories legends are made of!)

Myrna, (she was just so great and crazy, in the theatrical way, there are just no words to describe this woman. She was from Natchitoches, LA but spoke with a British Accent. Go figure!), talking to the cast of Steel Magnolias senior year, " I know we need more props for this f***ing set, and believe me I'm working on it. But I still need f***ing materials and when I spoke to EBARBarian today, he said our budget was gone!" (Dr. EBARB was the Director of Fiscal Affairs at our school. Basically he paid the bills and created the budget that Myrna couldn't, wouldn't or didn't think the Theatre Dept had to adhere to)

Millsaps -

Me, watching a movie of the week with all of my hall, "Oh come! It just so happens that they tell the news about the killer exactly when she is in the room to hear it."
Michelle: "Maybe she taped it!"
Me: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Michelle: "Maybe it's one of those VCRs with the instant unpause."

Amy, drunk off her ass shooting her finger guns at Craig Brewer, her crush: "Craig Brewer!"
(I can't explain this one, but believe me. It was funny!)

Kelly: "Just because you are on your knees all the time at the Sig house, does not mean that it's a church!"

Michael and Reni going down I-55 at night cutting up, ME: "What is that in the middle of the road?"
Michael: "I don't know. Just miss it! It might be someone's dead grandmother!"
Reni, running over whatever it was. Michael and Reni: "GRANDMOTHER!!!"
Michael: "I think you killed her!"
(We never found out what it was.)

Reni: "You give Stephen such a hard time. I think you are jealous of him!"
Kelly: "Yeah, jealous of all that empty storage pace in his head!"

Bronwen, shaking her finger at some drunk boys who are attempting to mosh at the Cowboy Mouth Concert at Jubliee Jam: "No, we do not do that here!"

All of us, in someone's room at the frat house, Michael: "Miranda, what would you do for a million dollars?"
Miranda: "I would murder a transient!"

Kelly, January 1, 2000 as Michael and I are finally trying to go to sleep at 3:00 in the morning, "Ya'll get up, it's the millennium!"
Michael: "Kelly sweetie, we celebrated the millennium, now we just want to go to sleep."
Kelly: "But you gotta get up, it's the millennium. The millennium."

Miranda, at Sue and Bill's engagement party, "What do I have to do to get invited to this damn wedding, ass rape somebody? Remind me of that when I'm drunk!"

One of Daniel's friend to Kelly at some bar somewhere in New Orleans, "You know, you look a lot better without your glasses on."
Kelly: "Funny, you look a lot better without my glasses on too!"

Stacey, Spring Break in Destin at some bar, "Where is that white trash, red neck bitch who cut me in line when I was trying to go to the bathroom?"

Bronwen, same Spring Break, "Can I see that towel for 2 point 5 seconds?"

Jermaine, anytime he was frightened, "Oh Jeeeeeeeeessssssssuuuuuuuusssss!"

Daniel, anytime her was drunk, "Woooooooooooo Hoooooooooo!" (aka Drunk Siren Call)

Reni, to Michael drunk off her ass on her 21st birthday, "I have to find my cup!"
Michael: "Reni sweetie, let me get you another cup?"
Reni: (incoherently) "No, I've got to find my cup."
Reni, stumbling up fraternity row, sees a cup on the back of a car, "No this is MY CUP! MY CUP!",
Michael: "Reni honey, I don't think that's your cup, sweetie it has crap in it." Reni grabbing the cup and drinking it's contents "I think it has cigarette butts in....."
Reni: "No, no this is my cup! My cup!"

In someone's room at the fraternity house, Michael, to Miranda "Well, how many people have you hooked up with?"
Miranda: "I ain't tellin. If I tell, we all tell."
Michael, to someone (who shall remain nameless), "What about you?"
Everyone begins counting....
Numbers from different people are said.
30 minutes pass, new subject is being talked about.
Someone (who shall remain nameless) "Are we talking about just here at this house, or all the fraternities?" as she is still counting.

O'Charleys-

Dollar margarita night, place is filled to standing room only, servers can't even get to their tables. Kerry drops his tray of food because someone "accidentally" bumped into him.
Kerry: " THAT'S IT! I QUIT! F*** THIS SHIT!!! F*** THIS PLACE AND F*** ALL YOU MOTHER F***ERS WHO DON'T LEAVE WITH ME!!!"

Breedlove: "How would you like your steak cooked? Medium? Medium well?"
Me: "What's the difference between medium, and medium well?"
Breedlove: "Well......"

One night, in the office cashing out. Eric, Mike, Breedlove, me and some other chick who just started.
Guys, "This f***er left me no tip and I was in the f***in weeds." "I know, we got f***in slammed tonight." "I couldn't f***in get to tables to bus the f*** Shit!"
Chick, to me, "My, my isn't it horrible how all these gentlemen are talking in front of us ladies?"
Me: "What the f*** are you talkin about?"

Verizon -

Ashley, talking to another worker, "Other worker, we need a little less of this," making the talking sign, "And a little more of this." making the walking sign.

James, to a customer at the window putting the ticket to the window,"Read what it says! What does it say? What does your ticket say? Read what it says! It says, 'Pay a $6 parking fee. It's not free. READ THE TICKET!! READ WHAT IT SAYS!"

Ashley, talking to me about a customer outside the window, "What does he have around his neck?"
Me: "I think it's a king's hat."
Ashley: "You mean, a crown?"

School -

My student, seeing another student going crazy in the hall cussing and screaming, and trying to kick his pregnant teacher.
My student: "Ms. Guidry, why he wants to kill Ms. Casinellie's baby? Ms. Casinellie's baby didn't do anything to him? Why he tryin to kill it?

Student: "Ms. Romano, if you could be a cat or a dog, what would you be?"
Ms. Romano: "Um, well if I had to choose, I would probably be a dog."
Student: "No, you can't be a dog, because all dogs are boys. Cats are all girls, so you'd have to be a cat."

Me, speaking to one of my students, "Was your Mom proud about your report card grades?"
Student: "Yeah, she was really proud of me. She even called my brother in the joint to tell him!"
Me: "Really? WOW! And what did he say?"
Student: "Oh, we couldn't talk to him, cause he was in the hole for the night."
Me: "The whole?
Student: "You don't know what the hole is Ms. Guidry? Oh, ok check this out. See the hole is a smaller cell that the put you in when you is in trouble. It's just a solid block of wall, see? No windows or nothing. Even the door is just one solid wall, not bars see? And all they got in this door is a little hole that they slip yo food in! That's why they call it, "The Hole".
Me: "I see."
Student: "Yeah, he got put in there last night cause he had made a shank and was trying to stab people in the cafeteria line who was trying to cut him. My brother says, 'You cut me, I is gonna cut you! That's how it is in prison, Ms. G."

Me, to one of my students, "Do you live with your momma or your daddy?"
Student: "My momma."
Me: "Ok, does your daddy live with you?"
Student: "Nah, he locked up."
Me: "Oh, ok. What'd he do?"
Student: "Well the first time, they said he shot three police officers, but he really didn't, cuz it was just a set up. They set him up."
Me: "The first time?"
Student: "Yeah, then he tried to steal and car, and jump out while it was still going and broke his arm. That's why my brother's on house arrest too".

Me: "Hey, twin it's about time for your momma to have her baby, right? When she gonna have it?"
Twin: "She already had the baby, Ms. Guidry!"
Me: "Really?!!!??! Oh, I didn't know! When did she have it?"
Twin: "On the baby's birthday!"

Funny things that happened to me....

So many times, crazy things happen to me that I honestly do a double take and think that I am being punked by Ashton Kutcher. Here are a few of those moments... ENJOY!!!

• You know it's going to be a bad day, when one of your students comes to you and says, "Ms. Guidry, I might be a little crazy today, because I died last night and came back to life when they gave me oxygen. And you know how it feels when you die and come back to life, once they give you the oxygen? You're all like, AAAHHHHAUUGGGHHH! That's how I feel right now." My response, "No. I am not sure I know what it feels like to die and come back to life." ***As a side note, this student was later involved in what can only be described as a Fourth grade brawl, where three police cars came to school and 6 students were suspended for being involved.***

• While sitting in a Burger King drive through waiting to order, after a long night of working the Widespread Panic Concert, a man (who was obviously wasted) came up to my car, and knocked on my passenger side window. Scared and a little startled, I put down my window just enough to see what he wanted to tell me. To which he slurring said, "Hey, I'm not crazy or anything, but they won't let me order food unless I'm in a car. So can I just get in your car and you can order food for me." Uh, no I don't think so.

• When I was working the night of what was suppose to be a Mary J. Blige concert (see previous blog) a customer walked up to my window to ask why the concert had been rescheduled. I was blinded by that huge piece of bling that hung around his neck. I then turned to my friend Ashley and said, "Hey check out this. He's ready for the concert with his bling." "What is it?" Ashley asked. "A king's hat." I answered. "You mean a crown?" Ashley answered matter of factly. Uh, yeah. At that moment, I needed a sign.

• I was talking to one of my students, who could not help the fact that cement was smarter than she. I knew that her mother had been pregnant and her due day was coming soon. "When's your mamma having her baby?" I inquired. Dumbly and wide-eyed she answered, "She already done had it!" "Really, " I said, "You didn't tell me that! When did she have it? Without skipping a beat, she looked at me and said, "On the baby's birthday!" Of course! I should have known.

Forgive

Forgive. That's what you asked me to do. But what you don't know is that I have forgiven you. I just can't forgive myself. I can't forgive myself for falling in love.

I can't forgive myself for changing my life. Before you, there was me. Only me. All I had to take care of was me. It was easy. I was young, and independent, and could do whatever I wanted to do. I didn't know what my future held, but I knew it would be something great. If I wanted to pack up my life and move to another state, I could. And I did.

But then there was you. You, who introduced me into a world that I not only never dreamt of, but one that I never even wanted. I refused to be confined and defined, until you. You made me settle down and opened my life up to a whole new world. When I met you, it was just suppose to be a fling, because I was leaving, moving away, far far away. But you literally swept me off my feet, you cooked me dinner, and said nice things, and when you kissed me, my knees were weak. I didn't know that world was even possible.

But I still left, it was just a fling. And even though I cried when I left you that morning, I figured that I would soon get over it. My heart would get over it. But you didn't let up. You were relentless. You called every night. For three months, you never gave up on me. You called to see how my day was, how miserable I was, and secretly to see if I was starting to see someone else. But I wasn't, because of you. I never gave the move a chance. Because you kept pulling me back into your world. And I let you because I was feeling things that I never had before and I was 11 hours away. "What would it be like if I was there, with you?" I wondered every miserable day. But it wouldn't be long till I would find out. Because I moved back, to take a huge leap, of faith, of heart, of love. I moved back to be with you, to enter your world. Still unsure where it would take me. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

You took me places I never thought was possible. And I let myself go. Willingly, because what I was feeling, I didn't want to give up. I ignored the thoughts in my mind, that this was too fast. I moved back to be with you and I was falling fast. "Be careful," I heard my heart say, "Be very careful." And for not heeding those warnings, I haven't forgiven myself.

Then the holidays came, and things moved so quickly. Again, I was experiencing things that I never thought I wanted. But there were so many happy times, with my family, your family and our family. It all seemed effortlessly. We spent New Years together, stopping on the side of the road at midnight, to take time to appreciate the moment. It was then I knew that the year ahead was going to be everything that I wanted. You were going to be the one. I just knew it. I felt it. But I was still scared. Until my birthday. You sent me a dozen roses. No man, no one, had ever sent me flowers, much less roses, much less on my birthday. I told you that I loved you that night. I remember it so clearly. When you kissed me, I couldn't hold it in any longer. But you did. Because you were being careful protecting yourself and your heart. I didn't. And for not being as careful as you, I haven't forgiven myself.

And we went on, living day to day, with each other. Until I got sick, and went into the hospital. "This is it," I thought, "He's never going to stay after this. It's too much. He's got so much on his plate already. I'll just take this time to recuperate and get back on track. He'll leave and I'll be alone for a bit, but at least I'll know how he really feels. He'll leave. I know it." But you stayed. You stayed by my bed all night. You held my hand when I was hurting. When I feel asleep, you were there, and when I opened my eyes, you were there. My parents were going to rush to my side and you told them no, because you were there. And then I moved in, and I'll never forgive myself.

I fell deeper and deeper into your world. I fell deeper and deeper in love with you. And when you said, "I Love You." I was never so happy in all my life. Because, unlike me, you took your time, you made sure you were sure. You told me in a card that you couldn't say it then, but when you did, it was going to for real. And you said it. I remember every minute. Exactly where we were, exactly what you said, exactly my response. I remember everything. And for remembering every moment, I'll never forgive myself.

But we moved on, living together, sharing our lives, sharing our families, sharing good times and bad and we talked about our future and getting married and extending our family and making plans, and I'll never forgive myself for that. For creating a future for us, before we even had a commitment to each other.

And you started your job, and we talked about everything that came with that. More responsibilty for me, less time with you. Could I handle it? Would I handle it? And I said Yes to everything, because I wanted to give you everything. I wanted you to be as happy as I was. And it was so hard, but I wanted you to be there for you. I wanted to love you, and love our family and love life and be there when you came home and be the perfect wife and the perfect mother. And when things got hard and rough and doubts kept creeping into my head, I blew them away. I wasn't listening because I wanted you to be happy. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

During this time, you wrote the most loving, heartfelt notes, to which I have kept every one. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

You stood by me through so much, the death of my grandfather and wedding of my friends and family. And I think about all the good times we had. But not the bad times, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

And you did what you, and I let you. I didn't go to the birthday party. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

I knew something wasn't right, but I trusted you, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

I moved out because I was so hurt and humilated and I let you continue longer than it should have, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

I stayed around for three months, waiting for you to love me again, and prove to me that you wanted to be with me, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

I left. I didn't fight for you. I didn't fight for us. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

And it's been three years, and I haven't moved on. And for that I can't forgive myself.

It's not that I haven't tried or that I don't want it. It's that I want it so badly and I'm scared to death of finding and losing it again. I can't let myself feel that again. I won't make through another lose. So when you say forgive, it's not that easy to do.

Because you are my greatest love, not my biggest enemy. My biggest enemy is myself.

As the song says, " Forgive, sounds good. But I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting."