Happiness in writing

One of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert, once described writing as a huge wave that you are trying to outrun. As you are running away to safety you look back to see if the wave is upon you and you are suddenly engulfed in it. It becomes apart of you and sweeps you up in the moment. You feel like you are drowning in a sea of your own thoughts. The only way to survive the random thoughts and save yourself is to write down what's in your head. A cathartic explanation on paper, thereby releasing the demons in your head and saving your own life.

That's how I feel about writing. It's a great way to get everything out. It helps me to think and reflect, putting things out of my head to make room for other thoughts, and making a transcript of my life as well. Let's face it, it's a lot cheaper than therapy. (I still go to therapy because sometimes writing just isn't enough of a release. So I pay someone to talk to me, who offers an objective voice and who won't sit back and judge me.) Years later, I can pick up these thoughts again and realize that the "tragedy" going on at that moment in my life, was just a blip on the air traffic control screen of my life. It's funny how those things work out.

Another reason why I enjoy writing is the freedom to come and go as I please. While I may not write anything for a long time, I can always come back to my creative side like an old friend from my past. I just pick up right where I left off. It's comforting to know that your outlets are always there for you when you need them. I wish I could pick up my other creative outlets so easily. But being on stage dancing and acting are much harder to come by. So far, writing is all that I have as I pour my heart onto a blank computer screen with a flashing cursor.

Now that the holidays are over and I am back in my own apartment surrounded by my own things and my own thoughts, I have time to contemplate the life I've built. It is really exhausting and draining. Being alone is good when you know there is an end in sight. For me, Mondays are my end. What's interesting is that I am always complaining that I am so busy and work constantly, but deep down I dread the down time because I am left to think. My mind begins to swirl and all my anxieties come out to play. How ironic that the structure of the work week is what keeps me grounded. The constant pace of the daily grind keeps me focused. It is only when I stop that I become scared listening to my own voice. Many people think that peace and quiet is a blessing, and I appreciate the lazy days. But it seems that I am more sad and anxious after a day or two of thinking.

So this weekend, not having to work, I have had a lot of thoughts to share and release. And that is why I am here. With the New Year, there are so many plans and goals that I would like to achieve in 2010. I never call them resolutions, because really, am I going to resolve anything? Nah. Unless I have this huge awaking (which is one thing that I am working on for the new year) and get it together. But I do have plans and goals set forth that I would LIKE to see happen this year. Most of them are the standard: exercise more, take time for myself, eat better. Blah blah blah. But some of them are more unique for me and my situation. For example, I would like to travel more. Now that I have my new car, this is a possibility. I have been in North Carolina going on 4 years now and have never seen most of the state. I would like to start out with places closer to Charlotte and move outward. Hopefully expanding to Boston and Chicago and maybe even venturing out west. This has always been a dream of mine.

I would like to get back to my creative side. I would like to write more (Lord knows I have tons of school stories to tell) and move into dancing and maybe even get back to acting. I would love to try to do some extra work and maybe get my SAG card. But obviously this will not happen until I am more self confident, which will only come with losing weight, which is something that only I can control with diet and exercise. It's a vicious cycle, but hopefully, a controllable one.

I would like to get rid of my bad habits. Lateness and procrastination are two biggies that have often led to problems. I would like to conquer them both. Also, going back to exercising I want to become healthier all around and get myself checked up so that I can begin to enjoy my life rather than just living it. Organization is also a big hurdle for me. Though looking back I am better than in the past, especially with school things and not putting too much on my plate, I need to bring that into my home life. I need to clean out my closet, put things away and make my home feel more welcoming to me and guests who may drop by. I need to start living like a grown up and not a college freshman.

I want to read all the books in my library. I've always wanted to be surrounded by tons of books. I am developing a very large collection, but most books I either never read or never finished. I want to get through most of them by years end. This may be a project for the summer, though I am addicted to buying new ones before the old ones are even touched. This can also go under the bad habit rule.

I want to gain control of my finances. While this one may take more than a year to complete, and I am not sure how I will do this on a teacher's salary and no income for two months. It is indeed a goal and you have to start somewhere. The responsibility of car payments will make this a necessity rather than a dream.

I want to experiment with cooking. This can also go in the healthier lifestyle and financial category. Cooking for myself with help me to watch my waistline and not eating fast food will definitely impact my budget.

I want to become more spiritual. I don't know if this means going to church everyday, or reading bible passages. But I do know that I want to take time to listen to God's voice speaking to me. My Granny always said that sometimes He doesn't yell. He often whispers. But I have been too caught up in feeling sorry for myself that I really haven't listened to His plan for my life. Then I get upset with Him for not taking care of things. I know that I am on His time and my journey is the pathway that He sets before me. But I am running so hard to get to the next check in point that I keep tripping on my own feet and not paying attention to all of the people and things that He has for me along the way. I hope to learn to walk beside Him instead of running ahead of Him. I know He'll show me a better route to take if I just let him.

Ultimately, I just want to find my happiness again. I am not sure which rock it's under or how long I will have to work and search, but these are things I want to accomplish in 2010. It's taken me a while to find my old self. I am realizing that fulfillment isn't something that you can find being with another person. It's not what your family wants you to be or in a lifestyle you thought you needed. Happiness comes with being satisfied with yourself. I am slowly learning what that means for me. I can't put on someone else's lifestyle and pretend it's my own. Life doesn't work that way. But I hope to find contentment in my own outfit and make it the best one on the runway.

It's been a zillion years!

So I haven't written a blog in a zillion years, and tons of people are awaiting with baited breath for my next master piece. Ok, maybe it's not THAT serious. I mean I am not curing hunger or anything. (But if I were to accomplish that task, I would just put some WD4o on it....)

Anyway, the reason there has not been many blogs, is well, basically I have been working my ass off!!! Holding down two jobs is just about killing me. I haven't been writing about school either, which is truly crazy because this year has been a riot (can't wait to share).

I am still trying to find a balance between working, having (or not having) a social life and still make time for myself (i.e. relaxing). Right now, NONE of this is working to my advantage. Isn't it amazing how we work so hard not to let other people down, when the only person we ARE letting down is ourselves!?!?!??! Ironic, isn't it? I still have not mastered this concept yet, far from it. Unfortunately, it is just about to completely wear me out!!!

But alas, I have a moment right now, so I go forth with my rantings - uh, I mean - writings. Freudian slip, perhaps?

First, I totally understand that working myself to the bone is totally self-inflicted. I get that mentally. But emotionally, I am still struggling with the "letting people down" part. I want to be there for everyone.... except myself. Here in lies the problem. I don't want to let down my students. I don't want to let down the people that I work with. I don't want to let down my loved ones and friends. Everyone says, "Take care of you." when actually (it seems) they really mean, "Take care of you, as long as it doesn't inconvenience me." WTF???

So what do I do? Listen to my body and mind that says, "Slow down. Take a break." Or to the outside world that says, "I need you. I need your help." Through therapy, I have realized that my trigger is perfection. And when I am not at the top of my game, I freak out. I haven't been at the top of my game for a while now. So the ultimate freak out is impending.

I want to get ahold of this mental disability. I want to get ahold of my anxiety. I want to get ahold of my life, and I pray furiously that I can.

Braden evicted

So as most of you know, I am a reality tv junkie!!! I can't get enough. Bravo is my crack! And with the mid summer upon us, Big Brother 11 started with a BANG!! To an addict, this week was pure heroin.

Now for those of you who are not familiar with Big Brother (BB, for short) let me just tell you, it IS a game. (unlike my other fav, Real Housewives of Anything) So the strategic element of plays and chess moves really gets my blood pumping. But this first week on BB 11 was truly the absolute BEST EVER!

For the house guests in the BB house, it usually takes a couple of weeks for that "sinister, slimy side" of people to come out and show their true colors! But not this season! First, the house is already divided into cliques, which was interesting from the very beginning. Then, CBS sent a past contestant (Jesse, gross!) back into the house as the first Head of Household (HOH). This meant that he had to put two people up on "the block" to go home. (Ala, Survivor "The tribe has spoken.")

So nothing much was happening the first couple of days. Yeah, there was game play and strategy involved, a few fights here and there but nothing to write aboutuntil... Wed, then the game turned EVIL!!!! (Ah, good TV always makes me happy). It all started when this douche bag, pretty surfer boy, Braden, was put up "on the block" to be evicted. As with anything, of course he didn't want to go home, but he started a MASSIVE argument throughout the house that included racial, ethnic and sexist slurs. I mean, I understand the guy was pissed, but really there was no need for the foul things that came out of this guy's mouth. So fast forward to last nights, "Eviction ceremony", where one of the house guests goes home. Braden stands up for his final appeal to keep himself in the house, apologizes for some comments, yada yada blah blah. THEN IT HAPPENED!!!!

The other house guest up for eviction, Chima, stands up to speak her "plea" and calls out Braden completely!! She says he is a racist, mentioning things that he had said, but then says that he called the host of the show, Julie Chen (who, FYI is married to THE PRESIDENT OF CBS, Les Moon Ves, and pregnant with his baby) a "whore". The studio audience GASPED! Julie's jaw dropped! It was a moment of complete AWE! (and this is on LIVE TV people) Seriously, CBS couldn't have asked for a better moment if they wrote it themselves. So as you can imagine Braden is evicted, but that's just beginning of our story, because once you leave the BB house, you (on live tv) are interviewed by.... wait for it.... Julie Chen!!!! Braden, can we say "eat crow"?!?!

So while watching all this go down, I had not had the chance to completely take in all the ramifications of what had just happened. But I knew Braden's interview was going to be, for lack of a better word, uncomfortable. However they played nicen nice and from that short interview, you never saw if Julie was upset or not at being called a "whore" by this man on live tv. Fast forward to this morning when the CBS Early Show airs the full "Braden interview", and we learn that Julie Chen is #1) fabulous #2) professional but unequivocally, #3) gets the last laugh! Basically, she proved that not only is Braden, in fact, a racist but A TOTAL and UTTER DUMB ASS!!! Go Julie!

First of all, let me say I never had feelings for Braden one way or another. I could have taken him or left him. But in researching all the videos (yes, I said research, this is my summer "life" people, get off my back) I learned that Braden is a bigot. Even if he meant his slander as a "joke", you don't joke like that. It was as if he said the N-word, and then tried to put it back in his mouth. Secondly, the stuff he said to Lydia (calling her a slut etc) TOTALLY uncalled for. Now I hate when people of any minority plays the race card, put in this case: UNO, DRAW FOUR! The card needed to be played.

Now let's get back to Braden, being a complete moron. So Julie starts in with the interrogation and is throwing him questions left and right. You can see how uncomfortable Braden is, but instead of explaining himself and apologizing for something he said in the "heat of the moment", he immediately starts bashing the other house guest, calling Chima a gold digger! WTF? What does that have to do with your bigoted comments?
Then Julie moves in for the kills and asks, "Who is the most important woman in your life?" (We all see where this is going right? It's like a neon sign!) Braden admits that though he hasn't talked or seen his mother in a while, he would say it was his mother. ZING!!!! Julie then asks, "What do you think she would say about some of the things you said in the house?" And Braden, the idiot says, "I thinks she's glad I didn't say anything worse." DOH!! Dude, you called the President of CBS's wife A WHORE!!!! And when you added racist slurs to the mix, can ANYTHING be worse? Maybe if you would've threatened the President and offended the POPE.

So Julie keeps the questions flying, and she asks several times if he is uncomfortable, and he says, "No." But he is obviously sweatin' like a whore in church (no pun intended) and is as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo. Julie continues the questions and ALL of Braden's replies makes absolutely no sense. He is back tracking, talking out of his ass, saying that he wishes the house was more "open-minded" (again, I ask, WTF?) and the whole time Julie remains calm as a cucumber. She knows she is making him look like a fool on national television and is enjoying every moment of it. Great tv is what I live for!!! So here's my summation:

Braden is a good looking kid. He's probably gotten by his whole life on his looks and boyish charm, cracking a few jokes here and there, making everyone like him. But, in my experience, when you take a way that "false sense of security" and get down to who the person REALLY is, it is a very UGLY person with no common sense. That's what we saw last night with Braden. When Julie was asking him simple true/false questions, he couldn't even answer "true or false". He tried to cover his stupidity with humor (unsuccessfully, by the way) and just came off as a total moron. So I say GOOD RIDDANCE to "Bigoted, Bubble-headed Braden", and I hope America sees you for the person you truly are..... an idiot!

PS I know many of you could care less about this entry, but hey at least it's nothing to do with Michael Jackson. I mean, enough all ready!

Loneliness

I love, love , love being in Charlotte. For example, today had to work at the 311 concert, heading out the door at 9:00 AM. It was BEAUTIFUL outside!!! Temp was about 72 degrees and a cool wind blew through the trees. It was a perfect day to sit out by the pool and tan. But alas, I could not...work beckoned.

When I arrived at the box office, jumped straight into my daily duties of pulling will call and selling tickets to the walk ups. Everyone in the office, working together to get ready for the show.

The night went pretty well. No big problems, except to people who were coming to the venue, were hit by a car and are in critical condition. Please say prayers, that these two will make it. The just came out for a night of fun, and didn't expect to be spending their next days in a hospital room.

While work was ok, and ended on a good note. Talking to my Mom when she told me that she and daddy was in Gulf Port, MS at the casino for the weekend. They sounded like that were having a great time. Mom also mentioned that my brother and his wife were with them. LOVELY!! My whole family is having a 4th weekend... without me! These are the days when I get really sad. Though I love living here, sometimes, you just need a hug from your mama or a kiss from your daddy, and a laugh from your brother. It's just real lonely when you have no family around.

Plus, my financial situation is pure shecanery! How in the hell do the "powers that be" think that teachers can survive through two months of not getting paid with such a miserable salary!!! Blessed is the day when I can feel comfortable and confident that the work I emote in a year, will be enough to feel like a job well done!

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson's legend spans over several decades. Between the Jackson 5 and his solo career, he is truly the "Elvis" of our generation. Whether you believe the stories of allegations of inappropriate conduct with children or you have your own opinions of his wacky behavior, (between plastic surgery, putting his own children over balconies etc ), the man will be remembered as a true music phenomenon. My heart goes out to his family.



People weep, scream, and past out in his presence. All music networks have been playing his music/videos since his death was announce. He sold albums in records of 750million titles!!! No matter what people's opinions of his personal life, musically, he is shear genius!



Today, we will always remember where we were and what we were doing when we heard that Michael Jackson had passed away. His death is being compared to Princess Diana, Elvis Presley, and yes, even President Kennedy.



But Dr. Phil said today on his show, "Don't remember the moment of a person's death, but instead celebrate their life." It seems that is what people are doing today, remembering Michael Jackson's life. From his early days with his brothers, and then in the late 70's and early 80's with a solo career. He has become such a pop culture phenomenon, known as "The King of Pop".

While I would, in no way, consider myself a Michael Jackson fan, I think back over my life and found that moments of his life, touch very special parts of my own.



I remember my first "boyfriend" (if you can have a boy "friend "in first grade) sang "Billie Jean" to me on the bus! It was so cute and every time I hear that song, 25 years later, I still think of that special moment. He was a huge Michael Jackson fan. I remember watching the news at day care when the "Thriller" album was released. I was only 5, but remember that moment so clearly. Another clear memory was from the "Thriller" video, it scared me to death!!! I remember my mom wouldn't let me watch it because she knew I would have nightmares. Boy was she right! I only caught a GLIMPSE of the part when Michael's eyes change as he morphed into the werewolf, and I couldn't sleep the whole weekend!!!!



I remember wanting a sequined glove to wear when that was popular. I remember when his hair caught on fire as he was filmed the Pepsi commercial. I can CLEARLY remember watching the Motown special when he did the "Moonwalk." Suddenly, everyone was learning how to dance like MJ. There are so many things, over the next 25 years, that he did to give the media something to talk about, between child molestation allegations, marrying Lisa Marie Presley, showing his children over balconies and his friendship with Elizabeth Taylor. But I like to remember Michael Jackson in his earlier years, as many people pu it "when he was still black." Between "Thriller", "Beat It" and "Billie Jean", the man was pure gold.

Music can transcend time and space, and Jackson's music did just that. People may not like Jackson, the man, but when you look over the "soundtrack" of your life, everyone will probably have at least one Michael Jackson song on it. If not, you've been living under a rock. Or you're lying!



So Rest In Peace, Michael. The Lord is your jury now, not the people. But your legacy will leave on within your music, and that is something that no one can take away! You now truly live among the stars where you belong!

My Thoughts on Jon and Kate

There is so many people talking, blogging and posting on Jon and Kate plus 8, a reality show on TLC showing a family with a set of twins and sextuplets. Since everyone else gets to put their two sense in, I felt it necessary to do the same. While it is ABSOLUTELY NONE of my business about how this family/people run their lives, these are just my thoughts and many will disagree with me, I just want to state my opinion, which is the reason I have this blog in the first place.

So, away we go:

1) This show WAS great when it first began. It was truly based on the kids and how this family coped with all the road blocks that came with raising two sets of multiples. If you look at the beginning episodes from the first couple of seasons and then check out the newer episodes that run now, you can DEFINIATELY see a change of demeanor between Jon and Kate. It seems like NOW, the only thing that makes rating boost is the OBVIOUS tension between Jon and Kate. What once started out as a cute show with cute kids, has turned into a reality soap opera. While the kids are still adorable, the way Jon and Kate feel about each other is another story.



2) I don't think that the "reality" aspect of the show led to the demise of these parents. As stated on the show by Kate, "It probably would have happened anyway." She also incinuated that the cameras sped the process for their marriage failing.

Lovin' Louisiana

Recently found this and wanted to share. It reminds me of how much I love home. Please enjoy!

I am from......

- the bayouland, rich with seafood and culture.

- coon ass and cajuns, deep with "flat talk".

- strong heritage of family and friends,

fishing and food,

football and flavor.

- my parents, who pushed me to reach further than I ever dreamed.

-running barefoot on oyster shells and in to my daddy's arm.

I am from south Louisiana, and proud to be:

Guidry and all.