Forgive

Forgive. That's what you asked me to do. But what you don't know is that I have forgiven you. I just can't forgive myself. I can't forgive myself for falling in love.

I can't forgive myself for changing my life. Before you, there was me. Only me. All I had to take care of was me. It was easy. I was young, and independent, and could do whatever I wanted to do. I didn't know what my future held, but I knew it would be something great. If I wanted to pack up my life and move to another state, I could. And I did.

But then there was you. You, who introduced me into a world that I not only never dreamt of, but one that I never even wanted. I refused to be confined and defined, until you. You made me settle down and opened my life up to a whole new world. When I met you, it was just suppose to be a fling, because I was leaving, moving away, far far away. But you literally swept me off my feet, you cooked me dinner, and said nice things, and when you kissed me, my knees were weak. I didn't know that world was even possible.

But I still left, it was just a fling. And even though I cried when I left you that morning, I figured that I would soon get over it. My heart would get over it. But you didn't let up. You were relentless. You called every night. For three months, you never gave up on me. You called to see how my day was, how miserable I was, and secretly to see if I was starting to see someone else. But I wasn't, because of you. I never gave the move a chance. Because you kept pulling me back into your world. And I let you because I was feeling things that I never had before and I was 11 hours away. "What would it be like if I was there, with you?" I wondered every miserable day. But it wouldn't be long till I would find out. Because I moved back, to take a huge leap, of faith, of heart, of love. I moved back to be with you, to enter your world. Still unsure where it would take me. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

You took me places I never thought was possible. And I let myself go. Willingly, because what I was feeling, I didn't want to give up. I ignored the thoughts in my mind, that this was too fast. I moved back to be with you and I was falling fast. "Be careful," I heard my heart say, "Be very careful." And for not heeding those warnings, I haven't forgiven myself.

Then the holidays came, and things moved so quickly. Again, I was experiencing things that I never thought I wanted. But there were so many happy times, with my family, your family and our family. It all seemed effortlessly. We spent New Years together, stopping on the side of the road at midnight, to take time to appreciate the moment. It was then I knew that the year ahead was going to be everything that I wanted. You were going to be the one. I just knew it. I felt it. But I was still scared. Until my birthday. You sent me a dozen roses. No man, no one, had ever sent me flowers, much less roses, much less on my birthday. I told you that I loved you that night. I remember it so clearly. When you kissed me, I couldn't hold it in any longer. But you did. Because you were being careful protecting yourself and your heart. I didn't. And for not being as careful as you, I haven't forgiven myself.

And we went on, living day to day, with each other. Until I got sick, and went into the hospital. "This is it," I thought, "He's never going to stay after this. It's too much. He's got so much on his plate already. I'll just take this time to recuperate and get back on track. He'll leave and I'll be alone for a bit, but at least I'll know how he really feels. He'll leave. I know it." But you stayed. You stayed by my bed all night. You held my hand when I was hurting. When I feel asleep, you were there, and when I opened my eyes, you were there. My parents were going to rush to my side and you told them no, because you were there. And then I moved in, and I'll never forgive myself.

I fell deeper and deeper into your world. I fell deeper and deeper in love with you. And when you said, "I Love You." I was never so happy in all my life. Because, unlike me, you took your time, you made sure you were sure. You told me in a card that you couldn't say it then, but when you did, it was going to for real. And you said it. I remember every minute. Exactly where we were, exactly what you said, exactly my response. I remember everything. And for remembering every moment, I'll never forgive myself.

But we moved on, living together, sharing our lives, sharing our families, sharing good times and bad and we talked about our future and getting married and extending our family and making plans, and I'll never forgive myself for that. For creating a future for us, before we even had a commitment to each other.

And you started your job, and we talked about everything that came with that. More responsibilty for me, less time with you. Could I handle it? Would I handle it? And I said Yes to everything, because I wanted to give you everything. I wanted you to be as happy as I was. And it was so hard, but I wanted you to be there for you. I wanted to love you, and love our family and love life and be there when you came home and be the perfect wife and the perfect mother. And when things got hard and rough and doubts kept creeping into my head, I blew them away. I wasn't listening because I wanted you to be happy. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

During this time, you wrote the most loving, heartfelt notes, to which I have kept every one. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

You stood by me through so much, the death of my grandfather and wedding of my friends and family. And I think about all the good times we had. But not the bad times, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

And you did what you, and I let you. I didn't go to the birthday party. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

I knew something wasn't right, but I trusted you, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

I moved out because I was so hurt and humilated and I let you continue longer than it should have, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

I stayed around for three months, waiting for you to love me again, and prove to me that you wanted to be with me, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

I left. I didn't fight for you. I didn't fight for us. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

And it's been three years, and I haven't moved on. And for that I can't forgive myself.

It's not that I haven't tried or that I don't want it. It's that I want it so badly and I'm scared to death of finding and losing it again. I can't let myself feel that again. I won't make through another lose. So when you say forgive, it's not that easy to do.

Because you are my greatest love, not my biggest enemy. My biggest enemy is myself.

As the song says, " Forgive, sounds good. But I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting."

I hate LIARS!!!

Why do people have to lie to you? I hate liars! When you say you love someone, really mean that you love them. Those are not three words that you should use lightly. I don't understand how someone can spend a year making sure that you are the one that they want to spend the rest of their life with you, and they finally say they love you. You think they mean it. When someone says they want to marry you, you believe them. Why shouldn't you? You are spending everyday with that person. But all of a sudden that all ends because they say they have found someone else. And in a two week time period, they have fallen in love with someone else. How does that work? I just don't get it!!!! Even now, reflecting back, I just don't understand what you did wrong. Where did you go wrong? I don't know.

When you say you're going to email someone. Email them. When you say you're going to send pictures, send the f#$@ing pictures!!! It's not hard. Just do what you say you're going to do! If you not going to contact someone, DON'T SAY YOU WILL!!!! Otherwise, someone will be waiting, hoping and praying for someone to send an email!!!~!Q!Q@ DON'T LIE ABOUT IT!!@
IF YOU NEVER INTEND TO SEND AN EMAIL, DON'T SAY YOU WILL! DON'T KEEP MAKING PROMISES THAT YOU CAN'T AND WON'T KEEP!!

What is so hard about saying, "Listen, you dumb stupid bitch. I've tried to do this nicely but you just can't and won't get the picture. I don't love you, I never did, I used you and you played right into my hand. You believed everything I said because you wanted to believe me. I played your ass like Lotto for two years and you let me!!!! Now that I finally got rid of you, you need to get a clue and a life and realize that I don't want anything more to do with you. I love my life without you. I've moved on. I never think about you, I am just living my life. You need to do the same, because I never loved you!!! And no, I'm not going to send you a dumb email and pictures because you don't deserve them. What you deserve is psychiatric help because you're a dumb bitch who got her heart broken and you are still wallowing in a life that you never had. I was never going to marry your stupid fat ass, because you are a stupid ugly fat bitch who is a psycho!!! I don't want that in my life! And you must be really stupid if you think I would."
Why is that so hard to say? I just did!!! It's very easy.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, THE STUPID LIAR WHO LIES ALL THE TIME AND NOTHING THAT THIS PERSON SAYS CAN EVER BE THE TRUTH OR THE STUPID PERSON THAT WAITS AROUND AND STILL BELIEVES THE DUMB F!@%%ING LIAR!!!!

What a dumb stupid bitch!!! Who keeps believing the liar, even though time and time again the liar lies to her. over and over and over and over and over and over and over again....

I didn't make Mary J Blige sick

About two weeks ago, I was suppose to work the Mary J. Blige concert. Unfortunately, due to an illness, the concert was rescheduled to Wednesday, October 8.

I stupidly volunteered to go into work and take phone calls and work the box office window for those fans, who didn't get the message. WRONG WRONG WRONG IDEA!!!
Every person who came to my window, decided to cuss me out because the concert was rescheduled. I am sorry that you spent all day in the salon getting your hair done. I apologize for you spending hours in the mall trying to find that perfect outfit. I understand that this inconvience means that you will have to come back and you planned your whole weekend around this one concert.

But people..... this WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!

I didn't get Mary J. sick. I am not in charge of her schedule and I don't know why she chose a week night to do the concert. Also, I didn't price the tickets. I know you spent $104 on each ticket for the best seats available, but I didn't make you buy the tickets. And no, I can not give you a refund for those tickets you won off the radio. I also can not compensate you for the gas used to travel from Virginia, or the hotel/food that you paid to spend the weekend in Charlotte.
As much as I would like to be a miracle worker, alas I am not.

So please, I do not mind listening to your frustrations, but there is really nothing that I can do. As I did not make Mary J Blige sick.

The only thing that saved me from wanting to shove a pair of scissors in my eye, was Ashley and James making me laugh the whole time! Without them, I might have gone off on somebody myself. Thanks guys!

P.S Did you know that a "king's hat" is called a crown? But that's another story.....

Should I stay or should I go?

My grandmother is sick in the hospital.

These are the days that I hate being so far away. I wish I could be there to see her, to love her, to give her some comfort, like she did for me growing up. I miss my family so much. It's so lonely up here without having any family. While I love my job, and I love this city. Being home is what I love the most.

I know that it is my choice to stay away. My Mom and Dad tell me all the time, I could move back any time that I wanted. But I've tried moving home a couple of times, and that didn't soothe my soul either. I guess it's because during my formative years of growing up, I was away at school. I've moved around my whole life. I've never been lucky enough, like my brother, to make roots in one place. I think this has been to my detriment.

I lived in the same house until I was 7. A tornado destroyed it, along with the life my parents had
built for us. We got another house, in same place, but only stayed there for three years. Then, we moved one town over. Six years later, I went away to school. It was an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. 2 years later, college. I moved to another state. I stayed in college for 5 years, but in that time, accumulated 2 different dorms, 1 house with my sorority sisters, and 4 different apartments.
After graduation, I moved back home, living with my parents. This lasted for seven months and my independence beckoned. So, I moved back to Jackson. I stayed there for a year and a half and then moved to Jacksonville, FL with the company that I worked for. I hated Jacksonville and after 4 months, I moved back to Jackson. 6 months later, I moved in with my boyfriend.
I thought this was it! I will finally make roots and marry this man, making his house my home. WRONG! A little more than a year later, he cheated. I moved out. I moved in with a friend, spending the summer there, and then moved back home with Mom and Dad. 8 months later, I decided to move to Charlotte. I moved during the last week of July and this summer marks my two year anniversary here.

Now, I am contemplating going home..... AGAIN! What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a place where I am content? I know moving home will only be a temporary solution to an on-going problem. I just want a place that feels right. Being alone is my greatest fear. Something happening to my family, and I not getting back in time, worries me every day.

So, what should I do? Should I stay or should I go?

Love is patient....

5 years ago, almost to the date, I wrote a list of what I wanted in my future husband. What's funny is that I solely believe that everything happens for a reason and for some reason I was drawn to my Bible tonight, unsure of what I was looking for. But I have been fighting a lot of demons lately. Many that stem from my past relationship. I opened my Bible to my favorite scripture reading:

Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill - mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its fail, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal. But when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.

1Corinthians 13

I then began to write out a list of every thing that I wanted in my future husband. Here 's the list as it was written :

March 19, 2003 - Wednesday

What I want in my future husband:

1. I want a husband taller than me - 6' 0 '' or taller

2. I want him to be attractive.

3. I want a husband with a great smile

4. He must look good with his shirt off.

5. He must have broad shoulders.

6. I want a husband who will love me unconditionally

7. I want a husband who respects me.

8. I want a husband who wants to be with me

9. I want a husband whom I can trust.

10 I want a husband who wants to be a good father.

11.I want a husband just like my daddy.

12. I want a husband who makes me feel safe.

13. I want a husband who can make me laugh.

14. I want a husband with a good family.

15. I want a husband who gets along with my family.

16. I want a husband who will like and gain approval from my brother.

17. I want a husband who wants to take care of me.

18. I want a husband who thinks that I am gold.

19. I want someone who I thinks is gold.

20. I want a husband who has a good job.

21. I want a husband who is financially secure.

22. I want a husband who has a great support system of friends.

23. I want a husband who can get along with my friends.

24. He has to be approved by and like my best friend, Michael.

25. I want a husband who can make me stronger person.

26. I want a husband who can support me in my goals and dreams.

27. I want a husband who can pursue his goals and dreams, as well.

28. He has to be a Christian, preferably Catholic.

29. He has to have a good relationship with God.

30. He can't do drugs.

31. He can't smoke a lot.

32. He can't be heavy drinker.

33. He needs to be spontaneous.

34. He has to be adventurous.

35. I want a husband who like to travel.

36. I want a husband who doesn't want to be with any other women, except me.

37. He likes country music.

38. I want a husband who enjoys children.

39. I want a husband who wants children to have children (at least 3 if the Lord allows)

40. I want a husband who love football.

41. He must like fishing with my daddy.

42. I want someone who will lift me to be a better person.

43. I want a husband who will take me out for dinner and dancing.

44. I want a husband who is a romantic.

45. I want a husband who will send me love notes.

46. I want a husband who can say "I love you!" and mean it with his whole heart and soul.

47. I want a husband who means what he says.

48. I want a husband who doesn't lie, steal, and especially cheat. My heart can't take that again.

49. I want a husband who can take care of me emotionally, physically and psychologically.

50. I want a husband who does not put me down.

51. I want a husband who has a good relationship with his family.

52. I want someone who is educated.

53 He must be able to carry on a conversation.

54. I want someone who takes care of himself.

55. I want someone who goes to church and has a relationship with God.

56. I just want someone who I could spend the rest of my life with......

I wrote this 5 years ago on March 19th, a Wednesday night. Interesting enough, this Wednesday is March 19. I am putting my list back into my Bible. I will let go and pray that He will answer all of my prayers.

I alone know the plans that I have for you,

plans that bring you prosperity and not disaster,

plans to bring about the future that you hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11

Family

My father is my greatest hero. A girl loves nothing more in this world than her daddy, but my daddy is more special to me than anyone. He is the only man in my life whose never let me down. He is my whole universe. He's taught me more about life, love and the person that I want to be. Even though I will devote my life to my future husband and my own family, there will never be anyone in the world who I will ever love more than my daddy. I will always be daddy's little girl.

Things I love.....

Continuation of previous blog....

For as many things that I hate in this world, there are tons of things that I love. Here are just a few:

1) I love my faith and the Lord who saves us all. Though there are way more people who are more religious than I, my relationship with my God, gets me through the many dark times of my life. Without Him, I would have given up on life a long time ago.

2) I love my family and friends. They give me strength to put one foot in front of the other and a smile on my face. They love me when no one else does.

3) I love my parents and my little brother. Even though, they would technically fall under the family and friends category, they are more to me than just my immediate family. They mean everything to me. They are the reason for all my accomplishments and rewards. They are the reason for me being me.

4) I love the sound of a Coke opening. I mean, could there be anything better than the crisp sound of the can opening as the fizz of carbon dioxide mixes with air while the caffeine rises to the top? Excuse me, I need to grab a cold one.....

5) I love the sound of children laughing. I guess that 's why I am a teacher. Children are so happy and innocent. I love to watch them play. They don't have a care in the world. It takes me back to a time in my life when things were a lot less complicated.

6) I loved being a mother. Even though it was only for a short time, I unfortunately left a relationship severing all ties with "my kids". But the two years that I was a mother, was the biggest accomplishment in my life. Better than anything I've ever done. For someone who never wanted kids, that period in my life was glorious. Parenting is the most rewarding job anyone can do. Being responsible for a life, and making sure they are healthy and happy, is the biggest high one can receive. I cannot wait for another chance to be a mother of my own children.

7) I love being in love. (Though it's been a long time, and my heart is still healing from my last love. But something that true, is definitely something that I want to experience again.)

8) I love hearing the applause from an audience. Being on stage is my passion. Entertaining is as natural to me as breathing. I love that feeling.

9) I love teaching a child and have them have an aha! moment. When they get something that they thought they would never learn, or I help them to achieve a goal they never thought they'd reach, it makes my job even more worth while.

10) I love listening to the rain fall, and the smell of a fresh rain on a spring day. I guess there's a reason my name is "Rainy".

11) I love getting lost in book. When you lose all track of time, and jump into a world far away from your own. Letting the characters become your friends, Rejoicing in their victories and saddened by their defeats.

12) I love sleeping.

13) I love the weekend and holidays. Having nothing that I HAVE to do and doing everything that I WANT to do.

14) I love watching TV. I've watched TV my whole life. I think that's maybe where my love for acting came from. I wanted to be a character on television. When I was little, I didn't need a TV guide. I knew what time and channel every show came on. But this was back when we only had three channels, so it was pretty easy. But to this day, give me a show from the 80's and 90's and I can sing you the theme song. It's a gift.

15) I love babies and watching them grow up. Which is good, because all of my friends now have little ones. This makes me happy.

16) I love working with great people. People who make me laugh. People who educate me. People who work hard. They help me be a better person.

17) I love remember my college days. They were the best days of my life.

18) I love music. It really is the soundtrack of your life.

19) I love being Catholic. I have learned many things from other religions. But Catholicism suits me. I can go to any church, but I don't feel whole until I attend a Catholic mass. It must be all the exercise we get from standing, sitting and kneeling. (No, no Kelly, don't go there.)

20) I love my sorority. Our purpose is the purpose for my life. A purpose to promote the ideals of truth, self-sacrifice and friendship. To establish a perpetual bond of friendship among its members, to develop a stronger and more womanly character, to broaden the moral and intellectual life, and to assist its members in every possible way. This is my vow, to steadfastly love one another.

These are just a few things that I love. I am sure that I will add more, as tomorrow is another day.

Things I hate....

Here are a few things that today I realized I really hate so much, I needed to create a blog:

1. I hate when a car pulls up on the side of you and there music is blaring so loud, not only is it vibrating my car, but I can't even hear my own radio station! My windows are rolled up for a REASON, people!!! From now on, I am going to carry a CD of polka music and when something like this happens, I will put in my CD, roll all 4 of my windows down and blare my polka music, while dancing in my seat.

2. I hate when I work my ass off to do a great job on some task or event, and my co-workers feel that it is not only ok, but necessary to either do a lousy job, or not do their own job at all! It's called "WORK ETHIC"! You not doing your job, only makes my job 10 times harder. Do your job and it will be better for everyone involved.

3. I hate stupid people. 'nough said!

4. I hate skinny, size 2 wearing, young folks, who when you compliment them on their outfit, the reply, "Oh no! This makes me look too fat!" PUH - LEASE!!! If you wanna see fat, I will show you some fat that you can HAVE! Trust me, it's not a pretty sight.

5. I hate parents who send their children to school, not to learn and make a better life for themselves, but only so they, the parents ( and I do use this term loosely), can have "free time" away from their children. I am not YOUR BABYSITTER!!

6. I hate being so far away from my family and friends.

7. I hate my alarm clock.

8. I hate not having someone to come home and tell my day to. (I guess that's why I have my blog!)

9. I hate the term "white cracker". I prefer the term, "white saltine".

10. I hate mandatory state testing. I mean really, how does one test, on one day, prove whether or not I am a good teacher? Why are there not mandatory state tests proving that you are a good parent? (PS my parents would score 100%, plus bonus points) I mean, you need a license to drive, but not to raise children. That's WAY more important.

11. I hate grading papers. I do it because it is needed, but I hate the tedious, monotony of it all.

12. I hate Mondays.

13. I hate that there are women in this world who can procreate with no problem, but can not even take care of the children they already have. Meanwhile, really good moms and dads, have such a difficult time having one child. So they have to spend so much time and money, going through alternative measures. This frustrates me to no end.

14. I hate people who feel that they are owed something. Freedom is a privilege. There are men and women who die everyday, and many, who fight every day, and who are away from their own families, so that you can spend time with yours. No one owes you anything. Work for what you want and desire, because our military is ensuring that you can keep it.

15. I hate people who feel that just because you are in a service industry, they are obligated to certain benefits. This includes treating others unkindly. Just because you make a lot of money, does not mean that you are smarter than me. Nor does it allow you to treat anyone like crap. I am a teacher, I may be poor, but I am changing the world. What are you doing besides getting on my last nerve?

16. I hate being on my period. I hate the cramps, the bloating, the headaches, you name it. I hate it. For you men out there who don't understand what I mean, here is a suggestion. Walk to a door and open it. Stick you genitals in the door frame and slam the door closed, hard. Real hard. The pain that you feel, is only a fraction of what I feel EVERY month.

17. I hate when you are battling depression and people say, "Just get over it!" People, if it was that easy for me, don't you think I would do that? (Please see previous blog on Depression for a more in depth discussion on this subject.)

18. I hate having to work three jobs, just to make ends meet. My most important job doesn't pay ANYTHING! The only way I can get bonuses is to meet state testing requirements (see afore mentioned #10). I have huge student loans to pay for too, except my pay scale is nothing compared to others with the same degree as I.

19. I hate exercising. Why can't I lose weight sitting on my fat ass watching TV? I am really good at that!

These are just a few things that I hate. I am sure that I will add more, as tomorrow is another day.

Blast from the past

In looking through some boxes that had been packed away, I came across an old journal from the end of my high school days and on into college. What hit me, was one of the entries that I wrote, YEARS ago, suddenly resonated loud and clear with the incidents of today and what I've been dealing with this week. It absolutely incredible, how when you ask God for wisdom, he gives it to you in unconventional ways. So I wanted to share with you my writings:

Things we should learn:

- I need to learn that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

- I need to learn that no much how much I care, some people just don't care back.

- I have learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.

- I have learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for the rest of your life.

- I have learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

- I have learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

- I have learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

- I have learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that is really important.

- I have learned that it's taking a long time to become the person that I want to be.

- I have learned to always leave loved ones with loving words because it may be the last time you see them.

- I am learning that forgiveness takes practice.

- I have learned that true friendship continues to grow even over longest distances, same goes for love.

- I have also learned there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

From this, I hope that you have learned......

Forever

Tonight, I had the priviledge of catching up with old friends, whom I haven't spoken to in a while. It was really nice, to recap and remember the good old days. I loved those times, with those people. There was so much laughter, it seemed like we didn't have a care in the world. And then overnight, it seems, all of these friends grew up. If it were up to me, I would live in the good ol' days forever.

Forever at LSMSA, planning how we could stay out past our curfew, or how we could sneek in alcohol. "Maybe Julie Malta could buy us alcohol, "Elise Chatalain would say. Sweet, innocent, naive, Elise. Julia Malta, being our dorm director, was the person who would be able to throw us out of school, if we were caught. Elise's idea was not the best..... but we did get alcohol, to celebrate my 18th birthday actually. We had loads of fun and no one found out. We all graduated.

I would love to spend forever at Millsaps. Where the days were seemed so long, becausesclasses kept interferring with the our real mission of how were we going to get drunk and who were we going to hook up with that night. Freshmen year, EVERY DAY there was a place to go and a frat boy to go with it. Monday was Cherokee, Tuesday Georgestreet, Wednesday - the Catwalk, thursday - sunday Frat Houses and Frat parties including socials, formals, dances, spring parties, Old South, Old North, C-Balls. And the most fun...... finding the boys to go with it. Most of my dates became my best friends, some became my worst enemies. But I was never looking to settle down, I just wanted to have fun. So that's what I did, I had so much fun while my other friends were looking for their MRS degrees. I was just looking for my next "birthday present" to myself. And when Millsaps became too small, I just moved across the street to Bellhaven. "Happy 21st Birthday to me!" Oh, and I 've come to realize that it WAS a stop sign that I saw at the end of the street. SO it was a good thing I stopped. Even with LIT night (the night Michael asked me to Senior C-ball and Kelly barely got us home), even with my "time" with Ben Allen, we all graduated...... eventually.

Then finally I would love to spend forever at O'charley's waiting tables with my crew. Not everyone that worked there was lucky enough to be like the Varisty team. But our group was way more than just co workers. We were a family...... an incestious family, but a family just the same. We would work hard, then drink hard, and we bitched alot and we laughed alot. Drama seemed to surround us where ever we went. Even when we weren't asking for drama, drama showed up. It was the best time!!! Drinking, laughing, smoking, laughing, make fun of our bosses, making fun of each other, gossipping like there was no tomorrow, and hooking up with everybody just in case. Co-workers became friends, friends became lovers, bosses became friends AND lovers, and we became a family. Whenever you needed someone, they were there. When one of us got the shit beaten out of you by her boyfriend, we were there. When a crackhead steals your wallet in the middle of the night and your scared he may come back to your apartment to hurt you, just call, "Mr. Fuckin O'charley's"! He would be right there to hold you and tell you it was going to be alright. I loved those days. I met my first "real" boyfriend there, and regret that I couldn't love him as much as he loved me. But alas, we all left, and moved on.

If I could spend forever in these times, I would. Maybe that's what Heaven will be like? Being around the people you love, reliving the best parts of your life. I am often curious to see.......

Resolutions

Happy 2008! With a new year beginning, of course everyone has resolutions that they want to accomplish in 2008. I am no exception. There are many things that I want to do, overcome and accomplish this year.

First, I resolve to write more blogs. I started this to help myself work out the many thoughts in my head. However, several people have complimented me on my sites and have wondered when the next installment will come. It has also come to my attention that while blogging, I am also supporting our troops, giving them a little taste from back home! (We love you and miss you, Ryan. We can't wait for you to come home safely. Thanks for all that you do. )
Plus, if I am ever going to make this into a book, and then of course a movie of my life, I really need to get on the ball with my writing. So more blogs to come, be on the look out.

Secondly, I resolve to take this damn weight off my body!!!!! I started working on this before the holidays, after seeing those disgusting pictures of myself at my brother's wedding. However, spending a week in Louisiana with all of Dad's great food, Aunt Marion's(and Penny's) potato salad, along with the luscious crawfish, I was thrown off of the diet wagon. Actually, it was more like being shot off like a canon, but you get the idea. I want to be able to start dancing and acting again. But I can't do that at this weight. After my break up and dealing with depression, food became a comfort. It made me happy when nothing else did. I am learning how to enjoy food again, but food that is good for me. Ultimately, eating healthy will make me happy in the long run. I realize that now, I am only eating crap to satisfy my immediate gratification and that's never good.

I also resolve to keep in better contact with my family and friends. Work seems to take up all my time. Where does that really get you? I love my job, but my loved ones will not always be around and I don't want to wake up and regret not spending time with them because I was working. My biggest regret would be letting those I love leave this planet, without them knowing how much they mean to me because I was just "too busy."

#4 - I resolve to have a real relationship again. I spent the last four years of my life loving a man who can not return those feelings. I want to be loved, really loved. I want my heart to flutter, bells to ring, romance to blossom. I want to get back on the horse. I think it's time and I deserve it. Leland Chapman look out!

I resolve to stop putting myself down. This has been a very difficult problem for me because I haven't felt worthy enough. I want to stop the self - loathing. It's not worth it and life too short.

I am sure there is so much more that I should resolve for 2008. But this is a start and I can always add to the list. The thing about resolutions is that it shouldn't be something done, just at the beginning of a new year. Anyone can make changes in their life at any time. Hopefully, this is just a start of many positive things to come.