I keep having a recurring dream. A broad shouldered man, with a gorgeous smile and a dimple on his cheek, who loves me unconditionally. I see 3 - 5 kids running around in my image, calling me mom. I see a life that eludes me, and then I wake up.
This is a future of happiness that I feel I will never have. I can't stop thinking of a future that I want and need so badly in my life. But this future, seems so far away and out of my reach. My heart aches with the pain of a lose love and a lose life. I once had a life like the one of my dreams. My heart was yanked out and stepped on. I find it hard to trust anyone now, for fear of being hurt again. I haven't been able to date anyone seriously for two years, so how do I expect to find the future that I yearn for. I don't. So I live day to day, taking care of other people's children, instead of my own, who are growing up without a mother. How do I do this? Medication that make me "happy" to the outside world. But on the inside, the pain is unbearable.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Why I Write?
I write because I have something to say.
I write to find out what I am thinking about.
I write to stop the ideas clattering around in my head, because sometimes it gets noisy in there.
I write to regurgitate my thoughts, feelings and life situations.
I write to relive special moments of my life, just to experience them again.
I write because I am a writer.
It's what I do.
It's who I am.
It's a special part of me that I can share with the world
I write to find out what I am thinking about.
I write to stop the ideas clattering around in my head, because sometimes it gets noisy in there.
I write to regurgitate my thoughts, feelings and life situations.
I write to relive special moments of my life, just to experience them again.
I write because I am a writer.
It's what I do.
It's who I am.
It's a special part of me that I can share with the world
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Cell Phones
I hate cell phones. I know they serve a very good purpose for emergency situations, and to those situations, I have no gripes. But truly, I despise people who use their cell phones irresponsibly. Case in point, when you are standing in line with other people who have ears, cell phone users do not need to talk so loudly into their phones as to make everyone else around them apart of the conversation. It's ridiculous! I don't want to hear your conversation! Keep it to yourself! Those people who are guilty of screaming into their cell phones in publlic, are probably the same people who blare their music in their cars with the windows rolled down. Here's a clue... I don't want to hear your music either. So whether it's a cell phone conversation or the music in your car, keep it to yourself, because you are annoying.
Another reason I hate cell phones is because it seems like when people are using them, they lose all their manners. (That is, if they ever had any in the first place.) I work in a service industry. The rudest thing a person can do, is to get on their cell phone when they are in the middle of making a transaction. If your phone rings, why is it impossible to ask the caller to hold on as you finish paying for your purchases? Even better, would it be so difficult to let your call go to your voicemail and when you have left your current establishment, simply call the person back?
Recently, while checking out a customer, I literally had to wait for the customer to finish her conversation before she paid for her items. WHAT GAUL!!!
I have had people in the past, walk into my office, talking on their phone and told me to wait when I asked if I could help them. Here's a hint, if you are going into SOMEONE ELSE'S office, do NOT tell them when it is OK to speak (which is usually when the call is over)! It should be common courtesy when entering an office, to close, hang up and place your phone on silent (especially if you are entering a meeting). I also can not stand "the point". Also known as "the finger", it is given to someone when a cell phone call is in progress. "The finger" says,"You are not important to me. The person on the other line is most important at this moment. You need to wait." Who knew a finger could say so much? Well I know another finger gesture that I would like to give rude cell phone users.
So please, remember to use your manners when using your cell phone. I know that it will make the universe a lot nicer place and maybe, just maybe, cell phone manners could possible end global warming.
Another reason I hate cell phones is because it seems like when people are using them, they lose all their manners. (That is, if they ever had any in the first place.) I work in a service industry. The rudest thing a person can do, is to get on their cell phone when they are in the middle of making a transaction. If your phone rings, why is it impossible to ask the caller to hold on as you finish paying for your purchases? Even better, would it be so difficult to let your call go to your voicemail and when you have left your current establishment, simply call the person back?
Recently, while checking out a customer, I literally had to wait for the customer to finish her conversation before she paid for her items. WHAT GAUL!!!
I have had people in the past, walk into my office, talking on their phone and told me to wait when I asked if I could help them. Here's a hint, if you are going into SOMEONE ELSE'S office, do NOT tell them when it is OK to speak (which is usually when the call is over)! It should be common courtesy when entering an office, to close, hang up and place your phone on silent (especially if you are entering a meeting). I also can not stand "the point". Also known as "the finger", it is given to someone when a cell phone call is in progress. "The finger" says,"You are not important to me. The person on the other line is most important at this moment. You need to wait." Who knew a finger could say so much? Well I know another finger gesture that I would like to give rude cell phone users.
So please, remember to use your manners when using your cell phone. I know that it will make the universe a lot nicer place and maybe, just maybe, cell phone manners could possible end global warming.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Here comes the Bridesmaid...
As we walked into the church, my stomach dropped. There were so many people looking at me! We lined up in the back of the church, all the other "pumpkins" and I, in our beautiful orange bridesmaid dresses.
I quickly scanned the church, looking for a familiar face. However, all I could see were hundreds of eyes looking at me like I had huge elephant ears. My mom walked up to me and gave me a hug. Thank God! Finally, someone I knew. When she told me how pretty I was in my dress, I started to cry. But I didn't have time to be too emotional because it was time to begin. Here it was, the day I dreaded, my little brother was getting married.
When I looked toward the front of the church, I could see my brother standing tall and strong in his formal army attire waiting for his bride.He looked so handsome and grown up. Tears came pouring out of my eyes. "Don't cry! Don't cry!" whispered the other bridesmaids. I tried to hold back my tears, but the emotions were just too overwhelming. I had to dab my eyes and wipe away the tears.
As each of the other girls took their place to take that long walk down the aisle, my heart began to race. "Calm down." I told myself. "You'll be ok!" I took a deep breath waiting for my cue to begin my trek. I tried to take in several more breaths to overcome my anxiety. It wasn't working. Here we go..... I took one step, then another and then yet another. I still couldn't catch my breath. I started feeling dizzy. My legs were like cement and my head started feeling funny.
Suddenly, I looked up and saw my friend, Philip walking toward me. He was the groomsman "assigned" to me. He had a huge smile on his face and I figured he was just as nervous as I was. I began to relax. My nerves were immediately calmed as I slipped my hand into the crook that his arm made for me. I put my hand on his bicep, as instructed by the priest, and we walked the rest of the way downt he aisle, together. We stopped to pose for a picture, and bowed our head to acknowledge the Lord. Then Philip dropped me off and I slipped into the first pew with"my girls". My job was over.
As I stood waiting for the last bridesmaid to join "the patch", I continued to watch my baby brother. He had a little smirk on his face which I knew signified, he was nervous too. I watched him and remembered the 22 years that we spent together. Now, he was beginning the next phase of his life. The doors of the church opened and my brother's beautiful bride began walking toward him. His smirked then turned into a huge smile. As they met in front of the congregation, I realized I wasn't nervous anymore. I was happy, very happy, that my brother had found the love of his life.
I quickly scanned the church, looking for a familiar face. However, all I could see were hundreds of eyes looking at me like I had huge elephant ears. My mom walked up to me and gave me a hug. Thank God! Finally, someone I knew. When she told me how pretty I was in my dress, I started to cry. But I didn't have time to be too emotional because it was time to begin. Here it was, the day I dreaded, my little brother was getting married.
When I looked toward the front of the church, I could see my brother standing tall and strong in his formal army attire waiting for his bride.He looked so handsome and grown up. Tears came pouring out of my eyes. "Don't cry! Don't cry!" whispered the other bridesmaids. I tried to hold back my tears, but the emotions were just too overwhelming. I had to dab my eyes and wipe away the tears.
As each of the other girls took their place to take that long walk down the aisle, my heart began to race. "Calm down." I told myself. "You'll be ok!" I took a deep breath waiting for my cue to begin my trek. I tried to take in several more breaths to overcome my anxiety. It wasn't working. Here we go..... I took one step, then another and then yet another. I still couldn't catch my breath. I started feeling dizzy. My legs were like cement and my head started feeling funny.
Suddenly, I looked up and saw my friend, Philip walking toward me. He was the groomsman "assigned" to me. He had a huge smile on his face and I figured he was just as nervous as I was. I began to relax. My nerves were immediately calmed as I slipped my hand into the crook that his arm made for me. I put my hand on his bicep, as instructed by the priest, and we walked the rest of the way downt he aisle, together. We stopped to pose for a picture, and bowed our head to acknowledge the Lord. Then Philip dropped me off and I slipped into the first pew with"my girls". My job was over.
As I stood waiting for the last bridesmaid to join "the patch", I continued to watch my baby brother. He had a little smirk on his face which I knew signified, he was nervous too. I watched him and remembered the 22 years that we spent together. Now, he was beginning the next phase of his life. The doors of the church opened and my brother's beautiful bride began walking toward him. His smirked then turned into a huge smile. As they met in front of the congregation, I realized I wasn't nervous anymore. I was happy, very happy, that my brother had found the love of his life.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Inspirational People
There are three people who have influenced my life this school year. I would like to pay tribute to these people for all the ways that they have inspired me and the things they have taught me. They have helped me to not only become a better teacher, but a better person. I love all of them, and owe them so much! I am lucky to call them colleagues and friends:
Jill Blocher, who reminds me lists are good. This woman has everything down packed. She is order incarnate. She is constantly making me a better person by showing me how to organize my life using lists. Sometimes, even her lists have list. But I must tell you, at times, when I put her knowledge into action, I am so much more productive. I have a plan. Once I accomplish something on the list, I just cross it off. I admire how Jill always seems to have everything in order because she has a plan in which she follows. Once she finishes, she crosses it off the list. It's a perfect system. Putting it into practice, I must admit, has been difficult, but overall it has helped me to accomplish errands, schedules, and I am a lot less scatterbrained because I know exactly what needs to be done. As we say in teaching, "If you don't have a plan, you plan to fail."
Thanks Jill for giving me some order in my life of chaos.
Emily Sansale, who not unlike Jill also helps me to create some order in my crazy cracked out life. Whenever I walk in to Emily's classroom or home, everything is in perfect order. The desks are in prefect order. Graded papers are placed on each students desk. Bouquets of pencils are sharpened and ready to be used. Even her desk, is a sanctuary of order. Everything is neat and in its proper place, which can be found within a moments notices. Unlike in MY classroom, where I know about where things are, but I have to look for said item under a huge pile of papers, in order to put my hand on exactly what it is that I am looking for.
As far as her home, it's pretty much an operating room compared to my apartment. Everything is neat, in order and in an exact place. Now, walk into my apartment and you will have to step over piles of bills that are on the floor, which I am trying to figure out, which is the most important to pay first. Walk farther into my humble abode and you will have step on mounds of laundry, that I am planning to get to...... soon, I promise!
My point is, I so aspire to be like Emily and Jill. I want to be organize and neat. I want to be able to spend more time actually completely the task efficiently rather than wondering where do I start, and where are my materials needed to start. I must say that both of these women are such great friends that make me a better person, the kind of person that I want to be. I know that as my friend, they will keep me in line and help me to accomplish these goals and many more.
Sherrie Robbins - I don't even know where to begin with Sherrie Robbins. When I grow up, I want to be Sherrie Robbins. Not only would I like to follow in her footsteps professionally, but I hope that I can be like the fun loving, good natured person that she is, throughout my life. Sherrie loves her job and loves educating children. But in that aspect, she also educates teachers. She is there to listen to our needs, to listen to our frustrations and to listen to our accolades. She a constant cheerleader, even when we want to give up on ourselves. She gives up that extra boost. But this is not the only reason why I admire Sherrie so much. She is a constant reminder to HAVE FUN!!!! Life is too short to be constantly wrapped up in your work. Do your best at work. Do your best at home, but most importantly do your best for yourself!!!! This is what I have learned from this awesome women. Take things in stride, and laugh often.
I owe everything to these three women. Without them, I don' think that I could have survived my first year in Charlotte. Luckily, because of them, they have made my experience SO much better and I can now call Charlotte my home. With great friends like these three women, what else would a girl want?
THANK YOU JILL!
THANK YOU EMILY!
THANK YOU SHERRIE!
You will never know how much you mean to me.
Jill Blocher, who reminds me lists are good. This woman has everything down packed. She is order incarnate. She is constantly making me a better person by showing me how to organize my life using lists. Sometimes, even her lists have list. But I must tell you, at times, when I put her knowledge into action, I am so much more productive. I have a plan. Once I accomplish something on the list, I just cross it off. I admire how Jill always seems to have everything in order because she has a plan in which she follows. Once she finishes, she crosses it off the list. It's a perfect system. Putting it into practice, I must admit, has been difficult, but overall it has helped me to accomplish errands, schedules, and I am a lot less scatterbrained because I know exactly what needs to be done. As we say in teaching, "If you don't have a plan, you plan to fail."
Thanks Jill for giving me some order in my life of chaos.
Emily Sansale, who not unlike Jill also helps me to create some order in my crazy cracked out life. Whenever I walk in to Emily's classroom or home, everything is in perfect order. The desks are in prefect order. Graded papers are placed on each students desk. Bouquets of pencils are sharpened and ready to be used. Even her desk, is a sanctuary of order. Everything is neat and in its proper place, which can be found within a moments notices. Unlike in MY classroom, where I know about where things are, but I have to look for said item under a huge pile of papers, in order to put my hand on exactly what it is that I am looking for.
As far as her home, it's pretty much an operating room compared to my apartment. Everything is neat, in order and in an exact place. Now, walk into my apartment and you will have to step over piles of bills that are on the floor, which I am trying to figure out, which is the most important to pay first. Walk farther into my humble abode and you will have step on mounds of laundry, that I am planning to get to...... soon, I promise!
My point is, I so aspire to be like Emily and Jill. I want to be organize and neat. I want to be able to spend more time actually completely the task efficiently rather than wondering where do I start, and where are my materials needed to start. I must say that both of these women are such great friends that make me a better person, the kind of person that I want to be. I know that as my friend, they will keep me in line and help me to accomplish these goals and many more.
Sherrie Robbins - I don't even know where to begin with Sherrie Robbins. When I grow up, I want to be Sherrie Robbins. Not only would I like to follow in her footsteps professionally, but I hope that I can be like the fun loving, good natured person that she is, throughout my life. Sherrie loves her job and loves educating children. But in that aspect, she also educates teachers. She is there to listen to our needs, to listen to our frustrations and to listen to our accolades. She a constant cheerleader, even when we want to give up on ourselves. She gives up that extra boost. But this is not the only reason why I admire Sherrie so much. She is a constant reminder to HAVE FUN!!!! Life is too short to be constantly wrapped up in your work. Do your best at work. Do your best at home, but most importantly do your best for yourself!!!! This is what I have learned from this awesome women. Take things in stride, and laugh often.
I owe everything to these three women. Without them, I don' think that I could have survived my first year in Charlotte. Luckily, because of them, they have made my experience SO much better and I can now call Charlotte my home. With great friends like these three women, what else would a girl want?
THANK YOU JILL!
THANK YOU EMILY!
THANK YOU SHERRIE!
You will never know how much you mean to me.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Depression
Depression is a hard thing to understand. Unless you been there, you don't understand. I hate when people who try to help you tell you to "get over it". It is not that easy. I hate those depression commercials, "depression hurts...." No duh!!! I hate when people tell me to just take your meds, you'll be ok. I hate the thoughts and ideas that go through my head. I can not just get them out of my head. Believe me, I've tried. I hate depression. I hate the way it makes me feel.
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