Happiness in writing

One of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert, once described writing as a huge wave that you are trying to outrun. As you are running away to safety you look back to see if the wave is upon you and you are suddenly engulfed in it. It becomes apart of you and sweeps you up in the moment. You feel like you are drowning in a sea of your own thoughts. The only way to survive the random thoughts and save yourself is to write down what's in your head. A cathartic explanation on paper, thereby releasing the demons in your head and saving your own life.

That's how I feel about writing. It's a great way to get everything out. It helps me to think and reflect, putting things out of my head to make room for other thoughts, and making a transcript of my life as well. Let's face it, it's a lot cheaper than therapy. (I still go to therapy because sometimes writing just isn't enough of a release. So I pay someone to talk to me, who offers an objective voice and who won't sit back and judge me.) Years later, I can pick up these thoughts again and realize that the "tragedy" going on at that moment in my life, was just a blip on the air traffic control screen of my life. It's funny how those things work out.

Another reason why I enjoy writing is the freedom to come and go as I please. While I may not write anything for a long time, I can always come back to my creative side like an old friend from my past. I just pick up right where I left off. It's comforting to know that your outlets are always there for you when you need them. I wish I could pick up my other creative outlets so easily. But being on stage dancing and acting are much harder to come by. So far, writing is all that I have as I pour my heart onto a blank computer screen with a flashing cursor.

Now that the holidays are over and I am back in my own apartment surrounded by my own things and my own thoughts, I have time to contemplate the life I've built. It is really exhausting and draining. Being alone is good when you know there is an end in sight. For me, Mondays are my end. What's interesting is that I am always complaining that I am so busy and work constantly, but deep down I dread the down time because I am left to think. My mind begins to swirl and all my anxieties come out to play. How ironic that the structure of the work week is what keeps me grounded. The constant pace of the daily grind keeps me focused. It is only when I stop that I become scared listening to my own voice. Many people think that peace and quiet is a blessing, and I appreciate the lazy days. But it seems that I am more sad and anxious after a day or two of thinking.

So this weekend, not having to work, I have had a lot of thoughts to share and release. And that is why I am here. With the New Year, there are so many plans and goals that I would like to achieve in 2010. I never call them resolutions, because really, am I going to resolve anything? Nah. Unless I have this huge awaking (which is one thing that I am working on for the new year) and get it together. But I do have plans and goals set forth that I would LIKE to see happen this year. Most of them are the standard: exercise more, take time for myself, eat better. Blah blah blah. But some of them are more unique for me and my situation. For example, I would like to travel more. Now that I have my new car, this is a possibility. I have been in North Carolina going on 4 years now and have never seen most of the state. I would like to start out with places closer to Charlotte and move outward. Hopefully expanding to Boston and Chicago and maybe even venturing out west. This has always been a dream of mine.

I would like to get back to my creative side. I would like to write more (Lord knows I have tons of school stories to tell) and move into dancing and maybe even get back to acting. I would love to try to do some extra work and maybe get my SAG card. But obviously this will not happen until I am more self confident, which will only come with losing weight, which is something that only I can control with diet and exercise. It's a vicious cycle, but hopefully, a controllable one.

I would like to get rid of my bad habits. Lateness and procrastination are two biggies that have often led to problems. I would like to conquer them both. Also, going back to exercising I want to become healthier all around and get myself checked up so that I can begin to enjoy my life rather than just living it. Organization is also a big hurdle for me. Though looking back I am better than in the past, especially with school things and not putting too much on my plate, I need to bring that into my home life. I need to clean out my closet, put things away and make my home feel more welcoming to me and guests who may drop by. I need to start living like a grown up and not a college freshman.

I want to read all the books in my library. I've always wanted to be surrounded by tons of books. I am developing a very large collection, but most books I either never read or never finished. I want to get through most of them by years end. This may be a project for the summer, though I am addicted to buying new ones before the old ones are even touched. This can also go under the bad habit rule.

I want to gain control of my finances. While this one may take more than a year to complete, and I am not sure how I will do this on a teacher's salary and no income for two months. It is indeed a goal and you have to start somewhere. The responsibility of car payments will make this a necessity rather than a dream.

I want to experiment with cooking. This can also go in the healthier lifestyle and financial category. Cooking for myself with help me to watch my waistline and not eating fast food will definitely impact my budget.

I want to become more spiritual. I don't know if this means going to church everyday, or reading bible passages. But I do know that I want to take time to listen to God's voice speaking to me. My Granny always said that sometimes He doesn't yell. He often whispers. But I have been too caught up in feeling sorry for myself that I really haven't listened to His plan for my life. Then I get upset with Him for not taking care of things. I know that I am on His time and my journey is the pathway that He sets before me. But I am running so hard to get to the next check in point that I keep tripping on my own feet and not paying attention to all of the people and things that He has for me along the way. I hope to learn to walk beside Him instead of running ahead of Him. I know He'll show me a better route to take if I just let him.

Ultimately, I just want to find my happiness again. I am not sure which rock it's under or how long I will have to work and search, but these are things I want to accomplish in 2010. It's taken me a while to find my old self. I am realizing that fulfillment isn't something that you can find being with another person. It's not what your family wants you to be or in a lifestyle you thought you needed. Happiness comes with being satisfied with yourself. I am slowly learning what that means for me. I can't put on someone else's lifestyle and pretend it's my own. Life doesn't work that way. But I hope to find contentment in my own outfit and make it the best one on the runway.