10 years come and gone so quickly

10 years ago, if someone would've asked me where I'd see myself when I was 35, I wouldn't have thought it would be here, in this place.
10 years ago, I would have said that by the time I was 35, I would be married, with one maybe two kids, a house, a two car garage and living the American dream. After all, these days that's what all my friends are doing. However, I am not. That dream was expelled around 8 years ago, and I have never recovered.

I remember someone telling me 10 years ago not to "waste your pretty". She said that's what I was doing. I was wasting my pretty in a life that I didn't want. I didn't know what she meant - then, but I do now.

I hate the person that I've turned into. When I look in the mirror, I hate the person that is looking back at me. She is not pretty. She is fat, ugly and depressing.
She looks back at me with sad eyes, remembering the days when she would look back at me with smiles.
High cheek bones, makeup and a smile that would light up a room. I don't know that person anymore. The happy girl who had a future and couldn't wait to meet up with it. The girl she turned into is a sad shell of that girl.

I remember living with such hope - hope with a life of happiness. Happy is not in my vocabulary anymore. Shame is. Guilt is. Regret is. Fat is. Ugly is. Sad is. I am sad. Very sad. A deep sadness that fills every part of me. Sad from a warning of not wasting my pretty, but doing it anyway. Sad from not heeding the advice given so many years ago. Sad from what my life has become instead of what it could have been.

It could have been so much more. When it was filled with love and laughter, it was a good life. It's not anymore. What's funny is that back then, I loved my life but hated my job. Now, I love my job (especially my students, who keep me alive) and hate the life that I have created. I also hate when people say,"if you don't like something, then change it!" Yeah, like it's that easy. Like I am "Jeannie" who can blink and nod my head and "change it". It's not easy. If it were easy, it would have been done by now. I don't like being miserable. I don't like looking back and seeing all the years I wasted. I don't like looking at my life and the shell that it has become. But this is the life that I have made for myself.

I have wasted the pretty and wasted the past 10 years.