My favorite one liners of all time....

Here is a sampling of one liners said by many different friends at many different points in my life. For some of you, you will have no idea what these lines mean. For others, I hope you laugh hysterically at the mere mention of these fond memories:

LSMSA -

Elise: "Maybe Julie Malta can buy us alcohol?"-at LSMSA, when we were trying to sneak alcohol into the dorm for my 18th birthday (sorry, Mom)
Me: "Elise honey, Julie Malta is the dorm director, and she is the person we are trying to NOT have find out about our little shindig, cause if she did, we would be kicked out of school!"
Elise: "Oh, right!"

Amy Sherill: " I hate your F***ing roommate!" - To Henna about me, in the beginning of my Junior year. (To be fair, I was really homesick, and Amy ultimately became on of my very best friends)

Me: "How many Baldwin brothers are they?"- at LSMSA
Other girls of Suite L: "4" "Yeah there are four I think"
Me: "Ok then name them."
Everyone: "Alec, Billy, Stephen and ....??????"
Me: "Yeah, who's the other one?"
Everyone thinking really hard, "Alec, William, Stephen???? .... Stephen, Alec, William??? OK, There's Alec Baldwin, Stephen Baldwin, William Baldwin, and... and..... and"
Tana: "TANA BALDWIN!!!" (that was really her last name)
Me: "Uh... no!" (PS It is Daniel Baldwin, for the readers who are wondering)

Russell, pretending to be Dr. Peter's secretary, to Brady, who is playing himself: "Dr. Peter's will see you all in just a minute. Looks like your little trip will get you kicked out of school, right before graduation."
Brady: "What?? Wait Linda, Linda listen!"
Russell: "YOU WILL NOT CALL ME LINDA!!! YOU WILL CALL ME, MRS. BYNOG!!!"

Myrna, (LSMSA) addressing the Senior Rep cast after a "horrendous" (her words, dramatic much there, Myra?), shortly after find out I was in the hospital and would not be at our performances for college recruiting day, "When I heard it was Reny (she called me "Reny", like Ren and Stimpy) I thought to myself, WHY RENY?!!??!!?! WHY NOT..... and if the name fits- WEAR IT!"

Myrna, (LSMSA) during the last acting class before finals and graduation, "My little lambs, my little lambs, you will all be going away. Going away from me, and this building, this building which holds so many, many memories. It holds so many things for me. It holds my blood, sweat, tears and .... pee pee! (Myrna had a habit of drinking heavily during rehearsals, and being so enthralled in the performance and not wanting to miss a beat, was known to just pee, right there in her seat. These are the stories legends are made of!)

Myrna, (she was just so great and crazy, in the theatrical way, there are just no words to describe this woman. She was from Natchitoches, LA but spoke with a British Accent. Go figure!), talking to the cast of Steel Magnolias senior year, " I know we need more props for this f***ing set, and believe me I'm working on it. But I still need f***ing materials and when I spoke to EBARBarian today, he said our budget was gone!" (Dr. EBARB was the Director of Fiscal Affairs at our school. Basically he paid the bills and created the budget that Myrna couldn't, wouldn't or didn't think the Theatre Dept had to adhere to)

Millsaps -

Me, watching a movie of the week with all of my hall, "Oh come! It just so happens that they tell the news about the killer exactly when she is in the room to hear it."
Michelle: "Maybe she taped it!"
Me: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Michelle: "Maybe it's one of those VCRs with the instant unpause."

Amy, drunk off her ass shooting her finger guns at Craig Brewer, her crush: "Craig Brewer!"
(I can't explain this one, but believe me. It was funny!)

Kelly: "Just because you are on your knees all the time at the Sig house, does not mean that it's a church!"

Michael and Reni going down I-55 at night cutting up, ME: "What is that in the middle of the road?"
Michael: "I don't know. Just miss it! It might be someone's dead grandmother!"
Reni, running over whatever it was. Michael and Reni: "GRANDMOTHER!!!"
Michael: "I think you killed her!"
(We never found out what it was.)

Reni: "You give Stephen such a hard time. I think you are jealous of him!"
Kelly: "Yeah, jealous of all that empty storage pace in his head!"

Bronwen, shaking her finger at some drunk boys who are attempting to mosh at the Cowboy Mouth Concert at Jubliee Jam: "No, we do not do that here!"

All of us, in someone's room at the frat house, Michael: "Miranda, what would you do for a million dollars?"
Miranda: "I would murder a transient!"

Kelly, January 1, 2000 as Michael and I are finally trying to go to sleep at 3:00 in the morning, "Ya'll get up, it's the millennium!"
Michael: "Kelly sweetie, we celebrated the millennium, now we just want to go to sleep."
Kelly: "But you gotta get up, it's the millennium. The millennium."

Miranda, at Sue and Bill's engagement party, "What do I have to do to get invited to this damn wedding, ass rape somebody? Remind me of that when I'm drunk!"

One of Daniel's friend to Kelly at some bar somewhere in New Orleans, "You know, you look a lot better without your glasses on."
Kelly: "Funny, you look a lot better without my glasses on too!"

Stacey, Spring Break in Destin at some bar, "Where is that white trash, red neck bitch who cut me in line when I was trying to go to the bathroom?"

Bronwen, same Spring Break, "Can I see that towel for 2 point 5 seconds?"

Jermaine, anytime he was frightened, "Oh Jeeeeeeeeessssssssuuuuuuuusssss!"

Daniel, anytime her was drunk, "Woooooooooooo Hoooooooooo!" (aka Drunk Siren Call)

Reni, to Michael drunk off her ass on her 21st birthday, "I have to find my cup!"
Michael: "Reni sweetie, let me get you another cup?"
Reni: (incoherently) "No, I've got to find my cup."
Reni, stumbling up fraternity row, sees a cup on the back of a car, "No this is MY CUP! MY CUP!",
Michael: "Reni honey, I don't think that's your cup, sweetie it has crap in it." Reni grabbing the cup and drinking it's contents "I think it has cigarette butts in....."
Reni: "No, no this is my cup! My cup!"

In someone's room at the fraternity house, Michael, to Miranda "Well, how many people have you hooked up with?"
Miranda: "I ain't tellin. If I tell, we all tell."
Michael, to someone (who shall remain nameless), "What about you?"
Everyone begins counting....
Numbers from different people are said.
30 minutes pass, new subject is being talked about.
Someone (who shall remain nameless) "Are we talking about just here at this house, or all the fraternities?" as she is still counting.

O'Charleys-

Dollar margarita night, place is filled to standing room only, servers can't even get to their tables. Kerry drops his tray of food because someone "accidentally" bumped into him.
Kerry: " THAT'S IT! I QUIT! F*** THIS SHIT!!! F*** THIS PLACE AND F*** ALL YOU MOTHER F***ERS WHO DON'T LEAVE WITH ME!!!"

Breedlove: "How would you like your steak cooked? Medium? Medium well?"
Me: "What's the difference between medium, and medium well?"
Breedlove: "Well......"

One night, in the office cashing out. Eric, Mike, Breedlove, me and some other chick who just started.
Guys, "This f***er left me no tip and I was in the f***in weeds." "I know, we got f***in slammed tonight." "I couldn't f***in get to tables to bus the f*** Shit!"
Chick, to me, "My, my isn't it horrible how all these gentlemen are talking in front of us ladies?"
Me: "What the f*** are you talkin about?"

Verizon -

Ashley, talking to another worker, "Other worker, we need a little less of this," making the talking sign, "And a little more of this." making the walking sign.

James, to a customer at the window putting the ticket to the window,"Read what it says! What does it say? What does your ticket say? Read what it says! It says, 'Pay a $6 parking fee. It's not free. READ THE TICKET!! READ WHAT IT SAYS!"

Ashley, talking to me about a customer outside the window, "What does he have around his neck?"
Me: "I think it's a king's hat."
Ashley: "You mean, a crown?"

School -

My student, seeing another student going crazy in the hall cussing and screaming, and trying to kick his pregnant teacher.
My student: "Ms. Guidry, why he wants to kill Ms. Casinellie's baby? Ms. Casinellie's baby didn't do anything to him? Why he tryin to kill it?

Student: "Ms. Romano, if you could be a cat or a dog, what would you be?"
Ms. Romano: "Um, well if I had to choose, I would probably be a dog."
Student: "No, you can't be a dog, because all dogs are boys. Cats are all girls, so you'd have to be a cat."

Me, speaking to one of my students, "Was your Mom proud about your report card grades?"
Student: "Yeah, she was really proud of me. She even called my brother in the joint to tell him!"
Me: "Really? WOW! And what did he say?"
Student: "Oh, we couldn't talk to him, cause he was in the hole for the night."
Me: "The whole?
Student: "You don't know what the hole is Ms. Guidry? Oh, ok check this out. See the hole is a smaller cell that the put you in when you is in trouble. It's just a solid block of wall, see? No windows or nothing. Even the door is just one solid wall, not bars see? And all they got in this door is a little hole that they slip yo food in! That's why they call it, "The Hole".
Me: "I see."
Student: "Yeah, he got put in there last night cause he had made a shank and was trying to stab people in the cafeteria line who was trying to cut him. My brother says, 'You cut me, I is gonna cut you! That's how it is in prison, Ms. G."

Me, to one of my students, "Do you live with your momma or your daddy?"
Student: "My momma."
Me: "Ok, does your daddy live with you?"
Student: "Nah, he locked up."
Me: "Oh, ok. What'd he do?"
Student: "Well the first time, they said he shot three police officers, but he really didn't, cuz it was just a set up. They set him up."
Me: "The first time?"
Student: "Yeah, then he tried to steal and car, and jump out while it was still going and broke his arm. That's why my brother's on house arrest too".

Me: "Hey, twin it's about time for your momma to have her baby, right? When she gonna have it?"
Twin: "She already had the baby, Ms. Guidry!"
Me: "Really?!!!??! Oh, I didn't know! When did she have it?"
Twin: "On the baby's birthday!"