Blast from the past

In looking through some boxes that had been packed away, I came across an old journal from the end of my high school days and on into college. What hit me, was one of the entries that I wrote, YEARS ago, suddenly resonated loud and clear with the incidents of today and what I've been dealing with this week. It absolutely incredible, how when you ask God for wisdom, he gives it to you in unconventional ways. So I wanted to share with you my writings:

Things we should learn:

- I need to learn that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

- I need to learn that no much how much I care, some people just don't care back.

- I have learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.

- I have learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for the rest of your life.

- I have learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

- I have learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

- I have learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

- I have learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that is really important.

- I have learned that it's taking a long time to become the person that I want to be.

- I have learned to always leave loved ones with loving words because it may be the last time you see them.

- I am learning that forgiveness takes practice.

- I have learned that true friendship continues to grow even over longest distances, same goes for love.

- I have also learned there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

From this, I hope that you have learned......

Forever

Tonight, I had the priviledge of catching up with old friends, whom I haven't spoken to in a while. It was really nice, to recap and remember the good old days. I loved those times, with those people. There was so much laughter, it seemed like we didn't have a care in the world. And then overnight, it seems, all of these friends grew up. If it were up to me, I would live in the good ol' days forever.

Forever at LSMSA, planning how we could stay out past our curfew, or how we could sneek in alcohol. "Maybe Julie Malta could buy us alcohol, "Elise Chatalain would say. Sweet, innocent, naive, Elise. Julia Malta, being our dorm director, was the person who would be able to throw us out of school, if we were caught. Elise's idea was not the best..... but we did get alcohol, to celebrate my 18th birthday actually. We had loads of fun and no one found out. We all graduated.

I would love to spend forever at Millsaps. Where the days were seemed so long, becausesclasses kept interferring with the our real mission of how were we going to get drunk and who were we going to hook up with that night. Freshmen year, EVERY DAY there was a place to go and a frat boy to go with it. Monday was Cherokee, Tuesday Georgestreet, Wednesday - the Catwalk, thursday - sunday Frat Houses and Frat parties including socials, formals, dances, spring parties, Old South, Old North, C-Balls. And the most fun...... finding the boys to go with it. Most of my dates became my best friends, some became my worst enemies. But I was never looking to settle down, I just wanted to have fun. So that's what I did, I had so much fun while my other friends were looking for their MRS degrees. I was just looking for my next "birthday present" to myself. And when Millsaps became too small, I just moved across the street to Bellhaven. "Happy 21st Birthday to me!" Oh, and I 've come to realize that it WAS a stop sign that I saw at the end of the street. SO it was a good thing I stopped. Even with LIT night (the night Michael asked me to Senior C-ball and Kelly barely got us home), even with my "time" with Ben Allen, we all graduated...... eventually.

Then finally I would love to spend forever at O'charley's waiting tables with my crew. Not everyone that worked there was lucky enough to be like the Varisty team. But our group was way more than just co workers. We were a family...... an incestious family, but a family just the same. We would work hard, then drink hard, and we bitched alot and we laughed alot. Drama seemed to surround us where ever we went. Even when we weren't asking for drama, drama showed up. It was the best time!!! Drinking, laughing, smoking, laughing, make fun of our bosses, making fun of each other, gossipping like there was no tomorrow, and hooking up with everybody just in case. Co-workers became friends, friends became lovers, bosses became friends AND lovers, and we became a family. Whenever you needed someone, they were there. When one of us got the shit beaten out of you by her boyfriend, we were there. When a crackhead steals your wallet in the middle of the night and your scared he may come back to your apartment to hurt you, just call, "Mr. Fuckin O'charley's"! He would be right there to hold you and tell you it was going to be alright. I loved those days. I met my first "real" boyfriend there, and regret that I couldn't love him as much as he loved me. But alas, we all left, and moved on.

If I could spend forever in these times, I would. Maybe that's what Heaven will be like? Being around the people you love, reliving the best parts of your life. I am often curious to see.......

Resolutions

Happy 2008! With a new year beginning, of course everyone has resolutions that they want to accomplish in 2008. I am no exception. There are many things that I want to do, overcome and accomplish this year.

First, I resolve to write more blogs. I started this to help myself work out the many thoughts in my head. However, several people have complimented me on my sites and have wondered when the next installment will come. It has also come to my attention that while blogging, I am also supporting our troops, giving them a little taste from back home! (We love you and miss you, Ryan. We can't wait for you to come home safely. Thanks for all that you do. )
Plus, if I am ever going to make this into a book, and then of course a movie of my life, I really need to get on the ball with my writing. So more blogs to come, be on the look out.

Secondly, I resolve to take this damn weight off my body!!!!! I started working on this before the holidays, after seeing those disgusting pictures of myself at my brother's wedding. However, spending a week in Louisiana with all of Dad's great food, Aunt Marion's(and Penny's) potato salad, along with the luscious crawfish, I was thrown off of the diet wagon. Actually, it was more like being shot off like a canon, but you get the idea. I want to be able to start dancing and acting again. But I can't do that at this weight. After my break up and dealing with depression, food became a comfort. It made me happy when nothing else did. I am learning how to enjoy food again, but food that is good for me. Ultimately, eating healthy will make me happy in the long run. I realize that now, I am only eating crap to satisfy my immediate gratification and that's never good.

I also resolve to keep in better contact with my family and friends. Work seems to take up all my time. Where does that really get you? I love my job, but my loved ones will not always be around and I don't want to wake up and regret not spending time with them because I was working. My biggest regret would be letting those I love leave this planet, without them knowing how much they mean to me because I was just "too busy."

#4 - I resolve to have a real relationship again. I spent the last four years of my life loving a man who can not return those feelings. I want to be loved, really loved. I want my heart to flutter, bells to ring, romance to blossom. I want to get back on the horse. I think it's time and I deserve it. Leland Chapman look out!

I resolve to stop putting myself down. This has been a very difficult problem for me because I haven't felt worthy enough. I want to stop the self - loathing. It's not worth it and life too short.

I am sure there is so much more that I should resolve for 2008. But this is a start and I can always add to the list. The thing about resolutions is that it shouldn't be something done, just at the beginning of a new year. Anyone can make changes in their life at any time. Hopefully, this is just a start of many positive things to come.