Forgive

Forgive. That's what you asked me to do. But what you don't know is that I have forgiven you. I just can't forgive myself. I can't forgive myself for falling in love.

I can't forgive myself for changing my life. Before you, there was me. Only me. All I had to take care of was me. It was easy. I was young, and independent, and could do whatever I wanted to do. I didn't know what my future held, but I knew it would be something great. If I wanted to pack up my life and move to another state, I could. And I did.

But then there was you. You, who introduced me into a world that I not only never dreamt of, but one that I never even wanted. I refused to be confined and defined, until you. You made me settle down and opened my life up to a whole new world. When I met you, it was just suppose to be a fling, because I was leaving, moving away, far far away. But you literally swept me off my feet, you cooked me dinner, and said nice things, and when you kissed me, my knees were weak. I didn't know that world was even possible.

But I still left, it was just a fling. And even though I cried when I left you that morning, I figured that I would soon get over it. My heart would get over it. But you didn't let up. You were relentless. You called every night. For three months, you never gave up on me. You called to see how my day was, how miserable I was, and secretly to see if I was starting to see someone else. But I wasn't, because of you. I never gave the move a chance. Because you kept pulling me back into your world. And I let you because I was feeling things that I never had before and I was 11 hours away. "What would it be like if I was there, with you?" I wondered every miserable day. But it wouldn't be long till I would find out. Because I moved back, to take a huge leap, of faith, of heart, of love. I moved back to be with you, to enter your world. Still unsure where it would take me. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

You took me places I never thought was possible. And I let myself go. Willingly, because what I was feeling, I didn't want to give up. I ignored the thoughts in my mind, that this was too fast. I moved back to be with you and I was falling fast. "Be careful," I heard my heart say, "Be very careful." And for not heeding those warnings, I haven't forgiven myself.

Then the holidays came, and things moved so quickly. Again, I was experiencing things that I never thought I wanted. But there were so many happy times, with my family, your family and our family. It all seemed effortlessly. We spent New Years together, stopping on the side of the road at midnight, to take time to appreciate the moment. It was then I knew that the year ahead was going to be everything that I wanted. You were going to be the one. I just knew it. I felt it. But I was still scared. Until my birthday. You sent me a dozen roses. No man, no one, had ever sent me flowers, much less roses, much less on my birthday. I told you that I loved you that night. I remember it so clearly. When you kissed me, I couldn't hold it in any longer. But you did. Because you were being careful protecting yourself and your heart. I didn't. And for not being as careful as you, I haven't forgiven myself.

And we went on, living day to day, with each other. Until I got sick, and went into the hospital. "This is it," I thought, "He's never going to stay after this. It's too much. He's got so much on his plate already. I'll just take this time to recuperate and get back on track. He'll leave and I'll be alone for a bit, but at least I'll know how he really feels. He'll leave. I know it." But you stayed. You stayed by my bed all night. You held my hand when I was hurting. When I feel asleep, you were there, and when I opened my eyes, you were there. My parents were going to rush to my side and you told them no, because you were there. And then I moved in, and I'll never forgive myself.

I fell deeper and deeper into your world. I fell deeper and deeper in love with you. And when you said, "I Love You." I was never so happy in all my life. Because, unlike me, you took your time, you made sure you were sure. You told me in a card that you couldn't say it then, but when you did, it was going to for real. And you said it. I remember every minute. Exactly where we were, exactly what you said, exactly my response. I remember everything. And for remembering every moment, I'll never forgive myself.

But we moved on, living together, sharing our lives, sharing our families, sharing good times and bad and we talked about our future and getting married and extending our family and making plans, and I'll never forgive myself for that. For creating a future for us, before we even had a commitment to each other.

And you started your job, and we talked about everything that came with that. More responsibilty for me, less time with you. Could I handle it? Would I handle it? And I said Yes to everything, because I wanted to give you everything. I wanted you to be as happy as I was. And it was so hard, but I wanted you to be there for you. I wanted to love you, and love our family and love life and be there when you came home and be the perfect wife and the perfect mother. And when things got hard and rough and doubts kept creeping into my head, I blew them away. I wasn't listening because I wanted you to be happy. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

During this time, you wrote the most loving, heartfelt notes, to which I have kept every one. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

You stood by me through so much, the death of my grandfather and wedding of my friends and family. And I think about all the good times we had. But not the bad times, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

And you did what you, and I let you. I didn't go to the birthday party. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

I knew something wasn't right, but I trusted you, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

I moved out because I was so hurt and humilated and I let you continue longer than it should have, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

I stayed around for three months, waiting for you to love me again, and prove to me that you wanted to be with me, and for that I'll never forgive myself.

I left. I didn't fight for you. I didn't fight for us. And for that I'll never forgive myself.

And it's been three years, and I haven't moved on. And for that I can't forgive myself.

It's not that I haven't tried or that I don't want it. It's that I want it so badly and I'm scared to death of finding and losing it again. I can't let myself feel that again. I won't make through another lose. So when you say forgive, it's not that easy to do.

Because you are my greatest love, not my biggest enemy. My biggest enemy is myself.

As the song says, " Forgive, sounds good. But I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting."