My grandmother is sick in the hospital.
These are the days that I hate being so far away. I wish I could be there to see her, to love her, to give her some comfort, like she did for me growing up. I miss my family so much. It's so lonely up here without having any family. While I love my job, and I love this city. Being home is what I love the most.
I know that it is my choice to stay away. My Mom and Dad tell me all the time, I could move back any time that I wanted. But I've tried moving home a couple of times, and that didn't soothe my soul either. I guess it's because during my formative years of growing up, I was away at school. I've moved around my whole life. I've never been lucky enough, like my brother, to make roots in one place. I think this has been to my detriment.
I lived in the same house until I was 7. A tornado destroyed it, along with the life my parents had
built for us. We got another house, in same place, but only stayed there for three years. Then, we moved one town over. Six years later, I went away to school. It was an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. 2 years later, college. I moved to another state. I stayed in college for 5 years, but in that time, accumulated 2 different dorms, 1 house with my sorority sisters, and 4 different apartments.
After graduation, I moved back home, living with my parents. This lasted for seven months and my independence beckoned. So, I moved back to Jackson. I stayed there for a year and a half and then moved to Jacksonville, FL with the company that I worked for. I hated Jacksonville and after 4 months, I moved back to Jackson. 6 months later, I moved in with my boyfriend.
I thought this was it! I will finally make roots and marry this man, making his house my home. WRONG! A little more than a year later, he cheated. I moved out. I moved in with a friend, spending the summer there, and then moved back home with Mom and Dad. 8 months later, I decided to move to Charlotte. I moved during the last week of July and this summer marks my two year anniversary here.
Now, I am contemplating going home..... AGAIN! What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a place where I am content? I know moving home will only be a temporary solution to an on-going problem. I just want a place that feels right. Being alone is my greatest fear. Something happening to my family, and I not getting back in time, worries me every day.
So, what should I do? Should I stay or should I go?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Love is patient....
5 years ago, almost to the date, I wrote a list of what I wanted in my future husband. What's funny is that I solely believe that everything happens for a reason and for some reason I was drawn to my Bible tonight, unsure of what I was looking for. But I have been fighting a lot of demons lately. Many that stem from my past relationship. I opened my Bible to my favorite scripture reading:
Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill - mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its fail, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal. But when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.
1Corinthians 13
I then began to write out a list of every thing that I wanted in my future husband. Here 's the list as it was written :
March 19, 2003 - Wednesday
What I want in my future husband:
1. I want a husband taller than me - 6' 0 '' or taller
2. I want him to be attractive.
3. I want a husband with a great smile
4. He must look good with his shirt off.
5. He must have broad shoulders.
6. I want a husband who will love me unconditionally
7. I want a husband who respects me.
8. I want a husband who wants to be with me
9. I want a husband whom I can trust.
10 I want a husband who wants to be a good father.
11.I want a husband just like my daddy.
12. I want a husband who makes me feel safe.
13. I want a husband who can make me laugh.
14. I want a husband with a good family.
15. I want a husband who gets along with my family.
16. I want a husband who will like and gain approval from my brother.
17. I want a husband who wants to take care of me.
18. I want a husband who thinks that I am gold.
19. I want someone who I thinks is gold.
20. I want a husband who has a good job.
21. I want a husband who is financially secure.
22. I want a husband who has a great support system of friends.
23. I want a husband who can get along with my friends.
24. He has to be approved by and like my best friend, Michael.
25. I want a husband who can make me stronger person.
26. I want a husband who can support me in my goals and dreams.
27. I want a husband who can pursue his goals and dreams, as well.
28. He has to be a Christian, preferably Catholic.
29. He has to have a good relationship with God.
30. He can't do drugs.
31. He can't smoke a lot.
32. He can't be heavy drinker.
33. He needs to be spontaneous.
34. He has to be adventurous.
35. I want a husband who like to travel.
36. I want a husband who doesn't want to be with any other women, except me.
37. He likes country music.
38. I want a husband who enjoys children.
39. I want a husband who wants children to have children (at least 3 if the Lord allows)
40. I want a husband who love football.
41. He must like fishing with my daddy.
42. I want someone who will lift me to be a better person.
43. I want a husband who will take me out for dinner and dancing.
44. I want a husband who is a romantic.
45. I want a husband who will send me love notes.
46. I want a husband who can say "I love you!" and mean it with his whole heart and soul.
47. I want a husband who means what he says.
48. I want a husband who doesn't lie, steal, and especially cheat. My heart can't take that again.
49. I want a husband who can take care of me emotionally, physically and psychologically.
50. I want a husband who does not put me down.
51. I want a husband who has a good relationship with his family.
52. I want someone who is educated.
53 He must be able to carry on a conversation.
54. I want someone who takes care of himself.
55. I want someone who goes to church and has a relationship with God.
56. I just want someone who I could spend the rest of my life with......
I wrote this 5 years ago on March 19th, a Wednesday night. Interesting enough, this Wednesday is March 19. I am putting my list back into my Bible. I will let go and pray that He will answer all of my prayers.
I alone know the plans that I have for you,
plans that bring you prosperity and not disaster,
plans to bring about the future that you hope for.
Jeremiah 29:11
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Family
My father is my greatest hero. A girl loves nothing more in this world than her daddy, but my daddy is more special to me than anyone. He is the only man in my life whose never let me down. He is my whole universe. He's taught me more about life, love and the person that I want to be. Even though I will devote my life to my future husband and my own family, there will never be anyone in the world who I will ever love more than my daddy. I will always be daddy's little girl.
Things I love.....
Continuation of previous blog....
For as many things that I hate in this world, there are tons of things that I love. Here are just a few:
1) I love my faith and the Lord who saves us all. Though there are way more people who are more religious than I, my relationship with my God, gets me through the many dark times of my life. Without Him, I would have given up on life a long time ago.
2) I love my family and friends. They give me strength to put one foot in front of the other and a smile on my face. They love me when no one else does.
3) I love my parents and my little brother. Even though, they would technically fall under the family and friends category, they are more to me than just my immediate family. They mean everything to me. They are the reason for all my accomplishments and rewards. They are the reason for me being me.
4) I love the sound of a Coke opening. I mean, could there be anything better than the crisp sound of the can opening as the fizz of carbon dioxide mixes with air while the caffeine rises to the top? Excuse me, I need to grab a cold one.....
5) I love the sound of children laughing. I guess that 's why I am a teacher. Children are so happy and innocent. I love to watch them play. They don't have a care in the world. It takes me back to a time in my life when things were a lot less complicated.
6) I loved being a mother. Even though it was only for a short time, I unfortunately left a relationship severing all ties with "my kids". But the two years that I was a mother, was the biggest accomplishment in my life. Better than anything I've ever done. For someone who never wanted kids, that period in my life was glorious. Parenting is the most rewarding job anyone can do. Being responsible for a life, and making sure they are healthy and happy, is the biggest high one can receive. I cannot wait for another chance to be a mother of my own children.
7) I love being in love. (Though it's been a long time, and my heart is still healing from my last love. But something that true, is definitely something that I want to experience again.)
8) I love hearing the applause from an audience. Being on stage is my passion. Entertaining is as natural to me as breathing. I love that feeling.
9) I love teaching a child and have them have an aha! moment. When they get something that they thought they would never learn, or I help them to achieve a goal they never thought they'd reach, it makes my job even more worth while.
10) I love listening to the rain fall, and the smell of a fresh rain on a spring day. I guess there's a reason my name is "Rainy".
11) I love getting lost in book. When you lose all track of time, and jump into a world far away from your own. Letting the characters become your friends, Rejoicing in their victories and saddened by their defeats.
12) I love sleeping.
13) I love the weekend and holidays. Having nothing that I HAVE to do and doing everything that I WANT to do.
14) I love watching TV. I've watched TV my whole life. I think that's maybe where my love for acting came from. I wanted to be a character on television. When I was little, I didn't need a TV guide. I knew what time and channel every show came on. But this was back when we only had three channels, so it was pretty easy. But to this day, give me a show from the 80's and 90's and I can sing you the theme song. It's a gift.
15) I love babies and watching them grow up. Which is good, because all of my friends now have little ones. This makes me happy.
16) I love working with great people. People who make me laugh. People who educate me. People who work hard. They help me be a better person.
17) I love remember my college days. They were the best days of my life.
18) I love music. It really is the soundtrack of your life.
19) I love being Catholic. I have learned many things from other religions. But Catholicism suits me. I can go to any church, but I don't feel whole until I attend a Catholic mass. It must be all the exercise we get from standing, sitting and kneeling. (No, no Kelly, don't go there.)
20) I love my sorority. Our purpose is the purpose for my life. A purpose to promote the ideals of truth, self-sacrifice and friendship. To establish a perpetual bond of friendship among its members, to develop a stronger and more womanly character, to broaden the moral and intellectual life, and to assist its members in every possible way. This is my vow, to steadfastly love one another.
These are just a few things that I love. I am sure that I will add more, as tomorrow is another day.
For as many things that I hate in this world, there are tons of things that I love. Here are just a few:
1) I love my faith and the Lord who saves us all. Though there are way more people who are more religious than I, my relationship with my God, gets me through the many dark times of my life. Without Him, I would have given up on life a long time ago.
2) I love my family and friends. They give me strength to put one foot in front of the other and a smile on my face. They love me when no one else does.
3) I love my parents and my little brother. Even though, they would technically fall under the family and friends category, they are more to me than just my immediate family. They mean everything to me. They are the reason for all my accomplishments and rewards. They are the reason for me being me.
4) I love the sound of a Coke opening. I mean, could there be anything better than the crisp sound of the can opening as the fizz of carbon dioxide mixes with air while the caffeine rises to the top? Excuse me, I need to grab a cold one.....
5) I love the sound of children laughing. I guess that 's why I am a teacher. Children are so happy and innocent. I love to watch them play. They don't have a care in the world. It takes me back to a time in my life when things were a lot less complicated.
6) I loved being a mother. Even though it was only for a short time, I unfortunately left a relationship severing all ties with "my kids". But the two years that I was a mother, was the biggest accomplishment in my life. Better than anything I've ever done. For someone who never wanted kids, that period in my life was glorious. Parenting is the most rewarding job anyone can do. Being responsible for a life, and making sure they are healthy and happy, is the biggest high one can receive. I cannot wait for another chance to be a mother of my own children.
7) I love being in love. (Though it's been a long time, and my heart is still healing from my last love. But something that true, is definitely something that I want to experience again.)
8) I love hearing the applause from an audience. Being on stage is my passion. Entertaining is as natural to me as breathing. I love that feeling.
9) I love teaching a child and have them have an aha! moment. When they get something that they thought they would never learn, or I help them to achieve a goal they never thought they'd reach, it makes my job even more worth while.
10) I love listening to the rain fall, and the smell of a fresh rain on a spring day. I guess there's a reason my name is "Rainy".
11) I love getting lost in book. When you lose all track of time, and jump into a world far away from your own. Letting the characters become your friends, Rejoicing in their victories and saddened by their defeats.
12) I love sleeping.
13) I love the weekend and holidays. Having nothing that I HAVE to do and doing everything that I WANT to do.
14) I love watching TV. I've watched TV my whole life. I think that's maybe where my love for acting came from. I wanted to be a character on television. When I was little, I didn't need a TV guide. I knew what time and channel every show came on. But this was back when we only had three channels, so it was pretty easy. But to this day, give me a show from the 80's and 90's and I can sing you the theme song. It's a gift.
15) I love babies and watching them grow up. Which is good, because all of my friends now have little ones. This makes me happy.
16) I love working with great people. People who make me laugh. People who educate me. People who work hard. They help me be a better person.
17) I love remember my college days. They were the best days of my life.
18) I love music. It really is the soundtrack of your life.
19) I love being Catholic. I have learned many things from other religions. But Catholicism suits me. I can go to any church, but I don't feel whole until I attend a Catholic mass. It must be all the exercise we get from standing, sitting and kneeling. (No, no Kelly, don't go there.)
20) I love my sorority. Our purpose is the purpose for my life. A purpose to promote the ideals of truth, self-sacrifice and friendship. To establish a perpetual bond of friendship among its members, to develop a stronger and more womanly character, to broaden the moral and intellectual life, and to assist its members in every possible way. This is my vow, to steadfastly love one another.
These are just a few things that I love. I am sure that I will add more, as tomorrow is another day.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Things I hate....
Here are a few things that today I realized I really hate so much, I needed to create a blog:
1. I hate when a car pulls up on the side of you and there music is blaring so loud, not only is it vibrating my car, but I can't even hear my own radio station! My windows are rolled up for a REASON, people!!! From now on, I am going to carry a CD of polka music and when something like this happens, I will put in my CD, roll all 4 of my windows down and blare my polka music, while dancing in my seat.
2. I hate when I work my ass off to do a great job on some task or event, and my co-workers feel that it is not only ok, but necessary to either do a lousy job, or not do their own job at all! It's called "WORK ETHIC"! You not doing your job, only makes my job 10 times harder. Do your job and it will be better for everyone involved.
3. I hate stupid people. 'nough said!
4. I hate skinny, size 2 wearing, young folks, who when you compliment them on their outfit, the reply, "Oh no! This makes me look too fat!" PUH - LEASE!!! If you wanna see fat, I will show you some fat that you can HAVE! Trust me, it's not a pretty sight.
5. I hate parents who send their children to school, not to learn and make a better life for themselves, but only so they, the parents ( and I do use this term loosely), can have "free time" away from their children. I am not YOUR BABYSITTER!!
6. I hate being so far away from my family and friends.
7. I hate my alarm clock.
8. I hate not having someone to come home and tell my day to. (I guess that's why I have my blog!)
9. I hate the term "white cracker". I prefer the term, "white saltine".
10. I hate mandatory state testing. I mean really, how does one test, on one day, prove whether or not I am a good teacher? Why are there not mandatory state tests proving that you are a good parent? (PS my parents would score 100%, plus bonus points) I mean, you need a license to drive, but not to raise children. That's WAY more important.
11. I hate grading papers. I do it because it is needed, but I hate the tedious, monotony of it all.
12. I hate Mondays.
13. I hate that there are women in this world who can procreate with no problem, but can not even take care of the children they already have. Meanwhile, really good moms and dads, have such a difficult time having one child. So they have to spend so much time and money, going through alternative measures. This frustrates me to no end.
14. I hate people who feel that they are owed something. Freedom is a privilege. There are men and women who die everyday, and many, who fight every day, and who are away from their own families, so that you can spend time with yours. No one owes you anything. Work for what you want and desire, because our military is ensuring that you can keep it.
15. I hate people who feel that just because you are in a service industry, they are obligated to certain benefits. This includes treating others unkindly. Just because you make a lot of money, does not mean that you are smarter than me. Nor does it allow you to treat anyone like crap. I am a teacher, I may be poor, but I am changing the world. What are you doing besides getting on my last nerve?
16. I hate being on my period. I hate the cramps, the bloating, the headaches, you name it. I hate it. For you men out there who don't understand what I mean, here is a suggestion. Walk to a door and open it. Stick you genitals in the door frame and slam the door closed, hard. Real hard. The pain that you feel, is only a fraction of what I feel EVERY month.
17. I hate when you are battling depression and people say, "Just get over it!" People, if it was that easy for me, don't you think I would do that? (Please see previous blog on Depression for a more in depth discussion on this subject.)
18. I hate having to work three jobs, just to make ends meet. My most important job doesn't pay ANYTHING! The only way I can get bonuses is to meet state testing requirements (see afore mentioned #10). I have huge student loans to pay for too, except my pay scale is nothing compared to others with the same degree as I.
19. I hate exercising. Why can't I lose weight sitting on my fat ass watching TV? I am really good at that!
These are just a few things that I hate. I am sure that I will add more, as tomorrow is another day.
1. I hate when a car pulls up on the side of you and there music is blaring so loud, not only is it vibrating my car, but I can't even hear my own radio station! My windows are rolled up for a REASON, people!!! From now on, I am going to carry a CD of polka music and when something like this happens, I will put in my CD, roll all 4 of my windows down and blare my polka music, while dancing in my seat.
2. I hate when I work my ass off to do a great job on some task or event, and my co-workers feel that it is not only ok, but necessary to either do a lousy job, or not do their own job at all! It's called "WORK ETHIC"! You not doing your job, only makes my job 10 times harder. Do your job and it will be better for everyone involved.
3. I hate stupid people. 'nough said!
4. I hate skinny, size 2 wearing, young folks, who when you compliment them on their outfit, the reply, "Oh no! This makes me look too fat!" PUH - LEASE!!! If you wanna see fat, I will show you some fat that you can HAVE! Trust me, it's not a pretty sight.
5. I hate parents who send their children to school, not to learn and make a better life for themselves, but only so they, the parents ( and I do use this term loosely), can have "free time" away from their children. I am not YOUR BABYSITTER!!
6. I hate being so far away from my family and friends.
7. I hate my alarm clock.
8. I hate not having someone to come home and tell my day to. (I guess that's why I have my blog!)
9. I hate the term "white cracker". I prefer the term, "white saltine".
10. I hate mandatory state testing. I mean really, how does one test, on one day, prove whether or not I am a good teacher? Why are there not mandatory state tests proving that you are a good parent? (PS my parents would score 100%, plus bonus points) I mean, you need a license to drive, but not to raise children. That's WAY more important.
11. I hate grading papers. I do it because it is needed, but I hate the tedious, monotony of it all.
12. I hate Mondays.
13. I hate that there are women in this world who can procreate with no problem, but can not even take care of the children they already have. Meanwhile, really good moms and dads, have such a difficult time having one child. So they have to spend so much time and money, going through alternative measures. This frustrates me to no end.
14. I hate people who feel that they are owed something. Freedom is a privilege. There are men and women who die everyday, and many, who fight every day, and who are away from their own families, so that you can spend time with yours. No one owes you anything. Work for what you want and desire, because our military is ensuring that you can keep it.
15. I hate people who feel that just because you are in a service industry, they are obligated to certain benefits. This includes treating others unkindly. Just because you make a lot of money, does not mean that you are smarter than me. Nor does it allow you to treat anyone like crap. I am a teacher, I may be poor, but I am changing the world. What are you doing besides getting on my last nerve?
16. I hate being on my period. I hate the cramps, the bloating, the headaches, you name it. I hate it. For you men out there who don't understand what I mean, here is a suggestion. Walk to a door and open it. Stick you genitals in the door frame and slam the door closed, hard. Real hard. The pain that you feel, is only a fraction of what I feel EVERY month.
17. I hate when you are battling depression and people say, "Just get over it!" People, if it was that easy for me, don't you think I would do that? (Please see previous blog on Depression for a more in depth discussion on this subject.)
18. I hate having to work three jobs, just to make ends meet. My most important job doesn't pay ANYTHING! The only way I can get bonuses is to meet state testing requirements (see afore mentioned #10). I have huge student loans to pay for too, except my pay scale is nothing compared to others with the same degree as I.
19. I hate exercising. Why can't I lose weight sitting on my fat ass watching TV? I am really good at that!
These are just a few things that I hate. I am sure that I will add more, as tomorrow is another day.
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