Love is patient....

5 years ago, almost to the date, I wrote a list of what I wanted in my future husband. What's funny is that I solely believe that everything happens for a reason and for some reason I was drawn to my Bible tonight, unsure of what I was looking for. But I have been fighting a lot of demons lately. Many that stem from my past relationship. I opened my Bible to my favorite scripture reading:

Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill - mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its fail, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal. But when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.

1Corinthians 13

I then began to write out a list of every thing that I wanted in my future husband. Here 's the list as it was written :

March 19, 2003 - Wednesday

What I want in my future husband:

1. I want a husband taller than me - 6' 0 '' or taller

2. I want him to be attractive.

3. I want a husband with a great smile

4. He must look good with his shirt off.

5. He must have broad shoulders.

6. I want a husband who will love me unconditionally

7. I want a husband who respects me.

8. I want a husband who wants to be with me

9. I want a husband whom I can trust.

10 I want a husband who wants to be a good father.

11.I want a husband just like my daddy.

12. I want a husband who makes me feel safe.

13. I want a husband who can make me laugh.

14. I want a husband with a good family.

15. I want a husband who gets along with my family.

16. I want a husband who will like and gain approval from my brother.

17. I want a husband who wants to take care of me.

18. I want a husband who thinks that I am gold.

19. I want someone who I thinks is gold.

20. I want a husband who has a good job.

21. I want a husband who is financially secure.

22. I want a husband who has a great support system of friends.

23. I want a husband who can get along with my friends.

24. He has to be approved by and like my best friend, Michael.

25. I want a husband who can make me stronger person.

26. I want a husband who can support me in my goals and dreams.

27. I want a husband who can pursue his goals and dreams, as well.

28. He has to be a Christian, preferably Catholic.

29. He has to have a good relationship with God.

30. He can't do drugs.

31. He can't smoke a lot.

32. He can't be heavy drinker.

33. He needs to be spontaneous.

34. He has to be adventurous.

35. I want a husband who like to travel.

36. I want a husband who doesn't want to be with any other women, except me.

37. He likes country music.

38. I want a husband who enjoys children.

39. I want a husband who wants children to have children (at least 3 if the Lord allows)

40. I want a husband who love football.

41. He must like fishing with my daddy.

42. I want someone who will lift me to be a better person.

43. I want a husband who will take me out for dinner and dancing.

44. I want a husband who is a romantic.

45. I want a husband who will send me love notes.

46. I want a husband who can say "I love you!" and mean it with his whole heart and soul.

47. I want a husband who means what he says.

48. I want a husband who doesn't lie, steal, and especially cheat. My heart can't take that again.

49. I want a husband who can take care of me emotionally, physically and psychologically.

50. I want a husband who does not put me down.

51. I want a husband who has a good relationship with his family.

52. I want someone who is educated.

53 He must be able to carry on a conversation.

54. I want someone who takes care of himself.

55. I want someone who goes to church and has a relationship with God.

56. I just want someone who I could spend the rest of my life with......

I wrote this 5 years ago on March 19th, a Wednesday night. Interesting enough, this Wednesday is March 19. I am putting my list back into my Bible. I will let go and pray that He will answer all of my prayers.

I alone know the plans that I have for you,

plans that bring you prosperity and not disaster,

plans to bring about the future that you hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11

Family

My father is my greatest hero. A girl loves nothing more in this world than her daddy, but my daddy is more special to me than anyone. He is the only man in my life whose never let me down. He is my whole universe. He's taught me more about life, love and the person that I want to be. Even though I will devote my life to my future husband and my own family, there will never be anyone in the world who I will ever love more than my daddy. I will always be daddy's little girl.

Things I love.....

Continuation of previous blog....

For as many things that I hate in this world, there are tons of things that I love. Here are just a few:

1) I love my faith and the Lord who saves us all. Though there are way more people who are more religious than I, my relationship with my God, gets me through the many dark times of my life. Without Him, I would have given up on life a long time ago.

2) I love my family and friends. They give me strength to put one foot in front of the other and a smile on my face. They love me when no one else does.

3) I love my parents and my little brother. Even though, they would technically fall under the family and friends category, they are more to me than just my immediate family. They mean everything to me. They are the reason for all my accomplishments and rewards. They are the reason for me being me.

4) I love the sound of a Coke opening. I mean, could there be anything better than the crisp sound of the can opening as the fizz of carbon dioxide mixes with air while the caffeine rises to the top? Excuse me, I need to grab a cold one.....

5) I love the sound of children laughing. I guess that 's why I am a teacher. Children are so happy and innocent. I love to watch them play. They don't have a care in the world. It takes me back to a time in my life when things were a lot less complicated.

6) I loved being a mother. Even though it was only for a short time, I unfortunately left a relationship severing all ties with "my kids". But the two years that I was a mother, was the biggest accomplishment in my life. Better than anything I've ever done. For someone who never wanted kids, that period in my life was glorious. Parenting is the most rewarding job anyone can do. Being responsible for a life, and making sure they are healthy and happy, is the biggest high one can receive. I cannot wait for another chance to be a mother of my own children.

7) I love being in love. (Though it's been a long time, and my heart is still healing from my last love. But something that true, is definitely something that I want to experience again.)

8) I love hearing the applause from an audience. Being on stage is my passion. Entertaining is as natural to me as breathing. I love that feeling.

9) I love teaching a child and have them have an aha! moment. When they get something that they thought they would never learn, or I help them to achieve a goal they never thought they'd reach, it makes my job even more worth while.

10) I love listening to the rain fall, and the smell of a fresh rain on a spring day. I guess there's a reason my name is "Rainy".

11) I love getting lost in book. When you lose all track of time, and jump into a world far away from your own. Letting the characters become your friends, Rejoicing in their victories and saddened by their defeats.

12) I love sleeping.

13) I love the weekend and holidays. Having nothing that I HAVE to do and doing everything that I WANT to do.

14) I love watching TV. I've watched TV my whole life. I think that's maybe where my love for acting came from. I wanted to be a character on television. When I was little, I didn't need a TV guide. I knew what time and channel every show came on. But this was back when we only had three channels, so it was pretty easy. But to this day, give me a show from the 80's and 90's and I can sing you the theme song. It's a gift.

15) I love babies and watching them grow up. Which is good, because all of my friends now have little ones. This makes me happy.

16) I love working with great people. People who make me laugh. People who educate me. People who work hard. They help me be a better person.

17) I love remember my college days. They were the best days of my life.

18) I love music. It really is the soundtrack of your life.

19) I love being Catholic. I have learned many things from other religions. But Catholicism suits me. I can go to any church, but I don't feel whole until I attend a Catholic mass. It must be all the exercise we get from standing, sitting and kneeling. (No, no Kelly, don't go there.)

20) I love my sorority. Our purpose is the purpose for my life. A purpose to promote the ideals of truth, self-sacrifice and friendship. To establish a perpetual bond of friendship among its members, to develop a stronger and more womanly character, to broaden the moral and intellectual life, and to assist its members in every possible way. This is my vow, to steadfastly love one another.

These are just a few things that I love. I am sure that I will add more, as tomorrow is another day.

Things I hate....

Here are a few things that today I realized I really hate so much, I needed to create a blog:

1. I hate when a car pulls up on the side of you and there music is blaring so loud, not only is it vibrating my car, but I can't even hear my own radio station! My windows are rolled up for a REASON, people!!! From now on, I am going to carry a CD of polka music and when something like this happens, I will put in my CD, roll all 4 of my windows down and blare my polka music, while dancing in my seat.

2. I hate when I work my ass off to do a great job on some task or event, and my co-workers feel that it is not only ok, but necessary to either do a lousy job, or not do their own job at all! It's called "WORK ETHIC"! You not doing your job, only makes my job 10 times harder. Do your job and it will be better for everyone involved.

3. I hate stupid people. 'nough said!

4. I hate skinny, size 2 wearing, young folks, who when you compliment them on their outfit, the reply, "Oh no! This makes me look too fat!" PUH - LEASE!!! If you wanna see fat, I will show you some fat that you can HAVE! Trust me, it's not a pretty sight.

5. I hate parents who send their children to school, not to learn and make a better life for themselves, but only so they, the parents ( and I do use this term loosely), can have "free time" away from their children. I am not YOUR BABYSITTER!!

6. I hate being so far away from my family and friends.

7. I hate my alarm clock.

8. I hate not having someone to come home and tell my day to. (I guess that's why I have my blog!)

9. I hate the term "white cracker". I prefer the term, "white saltine".

10. I hate mandatory state testing. I mean really, how does one test, on one day, prove whether or not I am a good teacher? Why are there not mandatory state tests proving that you are a good parent? (PS my parents would score 100%, plus bonus points) I mean, you need a license to drive, but not to raise children. That's WAY more important.

11. I hate grading papers. I do it because it is needed, but I hate the tedious, monotony of it all.

12. I hate Mondays.

13. I hate that there are women in this world who can procreate with no problem, but can not even take care of the children they already have. Meanwhile, really good moms and dads, have such a difficult time having one child. So they have to spend so much time and money, going through alternative measures. This frustrates me to no end.

14. I hate people who feel that they are owed something. Freedom is a privilege. There are men and women who die everyday, and many, who fight every day, and who are away from their own families, so that you can spend time with yours. No one owes you anything. Work for what you want and desire, because our military is ensuring that you can keep it.

15. I hate people who feel that just because you are in a service industry, they are obligated to certain benefits. This includes treating others unkindly. Just because you make a lot of money, does not mean that you are smarter than me. Nor does it allow you to treat anyone like crap. I am a teacher, I may be poor, but I am changing the world. What are you doing besides getting on my last nerve?

16. I hate being on my period. I hate the cramps, the bloating, the headaches, you name it. I hate it. For you men out there who don't understand what I mean, here is a suggestion. Walk to a door and open it. Stick you genitals in the door frame and slam the door closed, hard. Real hard. The pain that you feel, is only a fraction of what I feel EVERY month.

17. I hate when you are battling depression and people say, "Just get over it!" People, if it was that easy for me, don't you think I would do that? (Please see previous blog on Depression for a more in depth discussion on this subject.)

18. I hate having to work three jobs, just to make ends meet. My most important job doesn't pay ANYTHING! The only way I can get bonuses is to meet state testing requirements (see afore mentioned #10). I have huge student loans to pay for too, except my pay scale is nothing compared to others with the same degree as I.

19. I hate exercising. Why can't I lose weight sitting on my fat ass watching TV? I am really good at that!

These are just a few things that I hate. I am sure that I will add more, as tomorrow is another day.

Blast from the past

In looking through some boxes that had been packed away, I came across an old journal from the end of my high school days and on into college. What hit me, was one of the entries that I wrote, YEARS ago, suddenly resonated loud and clear with the incidents of today and what I've been dealing with this week. It absolutely incredible, how when you ask God for wisdom, he gives it to you in unconventional ways. So I wanted to share with you my writings:

Things we should learn:

- I need to learn that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

- I need to learn that no much how much I care, some people just don't care back.

- I have learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.

- I have learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for the rest of your life.

- I have learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

- I have learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

- I have learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

- I have learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that is really important.

- I have learned that it's taking a long time to become the person that I want to be.

- I have learned to always leave loved ones with loving words because it may be the last time you see them.

- I am learning that forgiveness takes practice.

- I have learned that true friendship continues to grow even over longest distances, same goes for love.

- I have also learned there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

From this, I hope that you have learned......

Forever

Tonight, I had the priviledge of catching up with old friends, whom I haven't spoken to in a while. It was really nice, to recap and remember the good old days. I loved those times, with those people. There was so much laughter, it seemed like we didn't have a care in the world. And then overnight, it seems, all of these friends grew up. If it were up to me, I would live in the good ol' days forever.

Forever at LSMSA, planning how we could stay out past our curfew, or how we could sneek in alcohol. "Maybe Julie Malta could buy us alcohol, "Elise Chatalain would say. Sweet, innocent, naive, Elise. Julia Malta, being our dorm director, was the person who would be able to throw us out of school, if we were caught. Elise's idea was not the best..... but we did get alcohol, to celebrate my 18th birthday actually. We had loads of fun and no one found out. We all graduated.

I would love to spend forever at Millsaps. Where the days were seemed so long, becausesclasses kept interferring with the our real mission of how were we going to get drunk and who were we going to hook up with that night. Freshmen year, EVERY DAY there was a place to go and a frat boy to go with it. Monday was Cherokee, Tuesday Georgestreet, Wednesday - the Catwalk, thursday - sunday Frat Houses and Frat parties including socials, formals, dances, spring parties, Old South, Old North, C-Balls. And the most fun...... finding the boys to go with it. Most of my dates became my best friends, some became my worst enemies. But I was never looking to settle down, I just wanted to have fun. So that's what I did, I had so much fun while my other friends were looking for their MRS degrees. I was just looking for my next "birthday present" to myself. And when Millsaps became too small, I just moved across the street to Bellhaven. "Happy 21st Birthday to me!" Oh, and I 've come to realize that it WAS a stop sign that I saw at the end of the street. SO it was a good thing I stopped. Even with LIT night (the night Michael asked me to Senior C-ball and Kelly barely got us home), even with my "time" with Ben Allen, we all graduated...... eventually.

Then finally I would love to spend forever at O'charley's waiting tables with my crew. Not everyone that worked there was lucky enough to be like the Varisty team. But our group was way more than just co workers. We were a family...... an incestious family, but a family just the same. We would work hard, then drink hard, and we bitched alot and we laughed alot. Drama seemed to surround us where ever we went. Even when we weren't asking for drama, drama showed up. It was the best time!!! Drinking, laughing, smoking, laughing, make fun of our bosses, making fun of each other, gossipping like there was no tomorrow, and hooking up with everybody just in case. Co-workers became friends, friends became lovers, bosses became friends AND lovers, and we became a family. Whenever you needed someone, they were there. When one of us got the shit beaten out of you by her boyfriend, we were there. When a crackhead steals your wallet in the middle of the night and your scared he may come back to your apartment to hurt you, just call, "Mr. Fuckin O'charley's"! He would be right there to hold you and tell you it was going to be alright. I loved those days. I met my first "real" boyfriend there, and regret that I couldn't love him as much as he loved me. But alas, we all left, and moved on.

If I could spend forever in these times, I would. Maybe that's what Heaven will be like? Being around the people you love, reliving the best parts of your life. I am often curious to see.......

Resolutions

Happy 2008! With a new year beginning, of course everyone has resolutions that they want to accomplish in 2008. I am no exception. There are many things that I want to do, overcome and accomplish this year.

First, I resolve to write more blogs. I started this to help myself work out the many thoughts in my head. However, several people have complimented me on my sites and have wondered when the next installment will come. It has also come to my attention that while blogging, I am also supporting our troops, giving them a little taste from back home! (We love you and miss you, Ryan. We can't wait for you to come home safely. Thanks for all that you do. )
Plus, if I am ever going to make this into a book, and then of course a movie of my life, I really need to get on the ball with my writing. So more blogs to come, be on the look out.

Secondly, I resolve to take this damn weight off my body!!!!! I started working on this before the holidays, after seeing those disgusting pictures of myself at my brother's wedding. However, spending a week in Louisiana with all of Dad's great food, Aunt Marion's(and Penny's) potato salad, along with the luscious crawfish, I was thrown off of the diet wagon. Actually, it was more like being shot off like a canon, but you get the idea. I want to be able to start dancing and acting again. But I can't do that at this weight. After my break up and dealing with depression, food became a comfort. It made me happy when nothing else did. I am learning how to enjoy food again, but food that is good for me. Ultimately, eating healthy will make me happy in the long run. I realize that now, I am only eating crap to satisfy my immediate gratification and that's never good.

I also resolve to keep in better contact with my family and friends. Work seems to take up all my time. Where does that really get you? I love my job, but my loved ones will not always be around and I don't want to wake up and regret not spending time with them because I was working. My biggest regret would be letting those I love leave this planet, without them knowing how much they mean to me because I was just "too busy."

#4 - I resolve to have a real relationship again. I spent the last four years of my life loving a man who can not return those feelings. I want to be loved, really loved. I want my heart to flutter, bells to ring, romance to blossom. I want to get back on the horse. I think it's time and I deserve it. Leland Chapman look out!

I resolve to stop putting myself down. This has been a very difficult problem for me because I haven't felt worthy enough. I want to stop the self - loathing. It's not worth it and life too short.

I am sure there is so much more that I should resolve for 2008. But this is a start and I can always add to the list. The thing about resolutions is that it shouldn't be something done, just at the beginning of a new year. Anyone can make changes in their life at any time. Hopefully, this is just a start of many positive things to come.